Red vs Blue Symphonian Stories Season 4
by Rey'ekk
Summary: AU Based off of Red vs. Blue. The Teams adjust to being in the future. Red Team has a few changes in on who's boss of who, and the Blues go on an epic quest to fulfill the Great Prophecy. Will there be stupidity? YES! Will there be action? YES! Will there be...wait why am I asking these questions? Kinda obvious at this point. Anyway, Read and Review guys. Most importantly, enjoy!
1. Return to Blood Gulch

_**Season 4 has begun! My favorite Season of all time and I hope it's your favorite too. Season 10 of RVB was freakin epic as hell! Never would've guessed about Agent Florida. Anyway hope you guys enjoy Season 4 of the Symphonian Stories.**_

* * *

Chapter 1

Return to Blood Gulch

Blood Gulch. A box canyon that was deserted for about 800 years. No one knows what happened to those soldiers who fought here. No one knew why battles were in such a secluded place, and no one asked. All that was known was that the soldiers disappeared under strange circumstances. Now the silence was about to be broken...

"Noooooooooooooooooooo! Nohohohohoooooooooooooooooo!"

Those agonized screams were coming from Private Zelos Wilder of the Tethe'allan Red Army. Standing on the cliffs on one side of the canyon, he screamed for the longest time. Below him, three other soldiers, one in red, one in maroon and one in pink, stood and watched their comrade in growing concern and annoyance of his yelling.

"My god, is he ever gonna stop screaming?" Presea Combatir muttered crossly. "He's been up there for hours."

Their commanding officer, Sergeant Kratos Aurion, rubbed his temples trying to calm himself and turned to the private he was most fond of. "For god's sake, please shut him up."

Sheena Fujibayashi nodded and looked up towards the cliff. "Hey, Zelos, shut the fuck up!" she yelled. "Get down here and help us check out the base!"

"No! Nooo! Noooohohohohooooooo!"

Sheena sighed and turned to the others. "Forget it, I don't think he's even listening to us."

"Noooooooo, actually that time I was answering your question, noooooooo!" Zelos replied.

Kratos let out a groan. "Go up there and get him, Fujibayashi."

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo-"

Presea glanced up as Zelos started his longest scream. "If he keeps screaming like that, he's gonna pass out and fall off the cliff."

"Cancel that order!" Kratos commanded.

"-oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooo!"

"Presea, get me a sniper rifle." Kratos sighed.

"Yes sir." Presea replied eagerly and she ran off towards the Warthog.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a distant complex by the beach, three other soldiers, from the Sylvaranti Blue Army, clad in teal, regulation blue and black respectively, were engaged in conversation.

"And he says 'Did I read it? I already ruined it!'" Private Lloyd Irving finished his joke.

His teammates, Freelancer Marta Lualdi, also know as Lu, and the blue's rookie, Private Genis Sage looked at each other in disgust and confusion.

"That's disgusting." she scowled.

"I don't get it." Genis said.

Just then, a ghostly figure appeared behind them, bent double as he panted with fear and exhaustion. "What… the fuck… was that?"

"Hey, Castagnier." Genis said in a bored tone.

"Hey." Lloyd muttered.

"Hmmm." Marta added.

The ghostly leader stared at his teammates in surprise. "Isn't anyone gonna ask me, 'What happened to your body, Emil?'"

The three sighed. "What happened to your body, Emil?" Marta, Lloyd and Genis said simultaneously in the most bored tone of all time.

"Hell if I know." Emil replied with a shrug. "All I know is, I was sitting there talking to Aqua and-"

"The bomb?" Marta asked.

"No that's Volt." Emil corrected. "Aqua is the computer."

Marta gave a dismissive shrug. "Meh, I don't even remember most of your names half the time."

"I know my name!" Genis cried out. "You can ask me if you forget."

"Hey, can we please focus on me?" Emil yelled.

"By the way, he's Castagnier." the dim Blue continued.

"Yes, thank you Sage, she knows." Emil sighed angrily.

"He is the mean one."

"Thank you, Sage!"

"See, he's mad." Genis explained. "Now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking, then when he thinks I'm done talking then he'll start talking again."

Emil stared at him for a while then turned to the others. "Okay, I was talking to Aqua and-"

"Told you so." Genis cut in.

"GODDAMMIT SAGE!"

"Classic Castagnier." Genis chuckled.

"I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurysm." Lloyd thought aloud to himself.

"Anyway," Emil shouted. "I was talking to Aqua about the Great Destroyer, who at the time we thought was Marta…"

* * *

_Flashback_

_As Emil neared the computer room, he could hear Aqua still in a panic. "THE GREAT DESTROYER HAS ARRIVED, THE END IS NEAR! THE GREAT DESTROYER HAS ARRIVED, THE END IS NEAR!"_

_"Oh, come on, Aqua, stop, stop, stop!" Emil yelled as he entered. "Hey listen, if Marta is not the Destroyer from the prophecy, then who is it?"_

_At once, the hologram was silent._

_"And that's when I turned around and saw…"_

_Emil slowly turned around to see…_

_"Saw what?" Genis asked. "Saw Tenebrae?"_

_"What the…?" Emil cried out. "Sage, get outta the story, man! No, it wasn't Tenebrae."_

_"What was it?"  
_

_"Stop interrupting and I'll tell you!" Emil yelled._

_"A helicopter?"  
_

_"Yeah, Sage, shut up." Lloyd cut in._

_"Hey, Irving, you're interrupting too." Emil snapped. "Everybody just get outta here!"_

_"Me? I'm just trying to punch up the story." Lloyd replied. "Check this out…"_

_He pointed to where Marta was standing on a wall and threw his voice through her. "Hi everybody, I'm super horny from all the robot killings. Hey is it hot in here? Who wants to help me out of this heavy armor, this breastplate is so itchy."_

_End Flashback before this gets way too weird_

* * *

"Bow chicka bow- whoa…" Lloyd's voice trailed off as he spotted Marta pointing her handgun at his head. "Story's over."

"You're a pig." Marta growled.

"I didn't even get to the part where the sailors show up." Lloyd muttered ruefully.

Marta then turned to Emil. "Just tell us, what did you see?"

"Um." Emil struggled to recall. "It was a really big… thing."

"That's your story?" Marta spluttered. "You saw a big thing?"

"My story had a big thing too." Lloyd moaned. "You just didn't give it time to develop."

"Well, I didn't really get a clear look at it." Emil argued.

"At Irving's big thing?" Genis asked.

"No, dumbass." Emil retorted. "At the big thing in the base that attacked me… All I know is that it was slimy and it had lots of teeth."

"Kinky." Lloyd grinned.

"Seriously dude, cut the shit." Emil snapped. "We've got a situation on our hands."

"Well, how did you fight it off?" Marta asked.

"Fight it off?" Emil cried out. "You must have me confused with someone who's brave. I got the hell outta there."

"You're telling me you left your body behind?" Marta yelled.

"I had to get outta there fast." Emil replied. "That body was just dead weight."

"I know the feeling." Genis muttered.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Emil scowled, folding his arms.

Lloyd then burst out laughing. "Hahahaha, some slimy toothed monster scared the crap outta Castagnier!"

"He didn't scare the crap outta him." Marta corrected. "He scared the soul outta him."

"Oh, it's Castagnier, what's the difference?" Lloyd giggled. "His soul is made outta crap. Stupid crap for soul…"

Emil glowered at Lloyd then turned towards the base. "For all I know, he's in there chewing on my body right now."

Marta raised her assault rifle. "Well then, let's go get this big thing of yours!"

"Bow chicka bow wow!" Lloyd added.

"Oh shut up." Marta scowled.

"Shut up, Irving." Emil agreed.

But Lloyd was now in the groove. "Did somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow chicka bow wow!"

"Irving, shut up!"

"I came here to lay some pipe. Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"

"Irving!"

"So I hear you got sisters. Bow-chicka- who're twins! –Wow-wow!"

"Shut up!"

"Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"

"Shut up!"

"Bow chickachicka bow wow chickachicka bow wow chickachika wow wow!"

"SHUT UP!"

* * *

On the cliffs of Blood Gulch, Zelos was still moaning like a walrus with toothache.

"Noooooooo-AAAHH!" he yelped as a sniper round flew past his arm. He soon started dodging multiple sniper rounds.

"Close." Kratos called.

"Thank you, Sir." Sheena replied.

Then Presea fired her sniper rifle up at Zelos.

"Presea, you're going outta turn." Kratos berated.

"I thought I went after Sheena." Presea replied.

"No, we go in line." Kratos argued, pointing to himself and the others in turn. "It goes you then me then Sheena then back down to me then you then me then me then Sheena then me then me then Sheena, me, me, Sheena, you, Sheena, me, me, me, Sheena, you… me then me again. It makes perfect sense."

"But doesn't that mean you go twice as much, or…" Sheena did a quick count. "…Ten times as much?"

Kratos ignored her as he fired his sniper at Zelos, making him cry out, "AAAAHHH!"

"This is the best game since Z-ball." Kratos chuckled.

"I'm not coming down!" Zelos yelled.

"Hey, Wilder." Kratos called up. "Move back and forth like one of those ducks at the carnival!"

Kratos fired again and Zelos ducked down to avoid the shot. "No, don't duck." Kratos shouted. "That makes you harder to hit. Act like a duck!"

"Wait a minute, that was my turn." Sheena protested.

"This is the Lightning Round." Kratos explained.

"...who's in the Lightning Rou-?"

"Me." he replied as he fired another shot.

"Alright, fuck this, I'm coming down." Zelos shouted and he turned to climb down, just as Kratos fired his gun again, grazing his leg. "OW! I said I'm coming down!"

"Ha-ha, buzzer beater!" Kratos cheered. "Take that, you stupid duck."

* * *

Meanwhile, at the complex, the Blues and Marta stood by the entrance to the base, waiting tensely.

"We haven't seen that thing come out." Lloyd muttered, swords at the ready. "So he's probably still hiding in there."

"Or eating Castagnier." Genis added.

"Alright then." Marta hissed, raising her assault rifle. "Let's roll."

"Okay." Emil nodded. "Here we go…"

After a few seconds of total inertia, Lloyd turned to his leader. "Uh, we're not moving."

"Yeah, yeah, okay." Emil said then he cleared his throat. "Here we go."

But still they didn't budge.

"We're still not moving." Lloyd said.

"Does talking count as moving?" Genis asked.

"Alright, screw it." Marta cried as she stepped forward. "You guys get behind me, and stay tight."

"Bow-chicka-bow-wow." Lloyd quickly muttered.

But Marta heard that and turned to glare at the teal idiot. "Never mind, Irving's in front."

"Eh, it was worth it." Lloyd shrugged as he went ahead of Marta.

* * *

Back at Blood Gulch, Kratos had driven the Warthog into the canyon while Presea followed behind on the hover-scooter and now the Reds were standing behind a rock just outside one of the Bases.

"Alright men." Kratos hissed. "Stay out of sight. We have to be prepared for anything."

"Uh, why are we hiding from our own Base?" Zelos asked.

"Because we have no idea what's inside." Kratos replied.

"Right." Sheena agreed. "Anything could have occupied the Base after we jumped into the future."

"Oh my God." Presea gasped. "What if we're in there?"

"Yeah- no wait." Zelos stumbled. "Aren't we out here?"

"I mean past versions of ourselves." Presea replied. "We could go in there and meet ourselves! Oh man, we'd be best friends, we'd have so much in common. Finally, someone who shares the pain."

"Presea, that's not how time travel works." Sheena sighed. "We don't leave copies of ourselves behind, and even if we did they'd all be eight hundred years old. They'd all be dead by now."

"Speak for yourself." Presea retorted. "I could live to be eight hundred. I'm on this awesome diet."

"You still doing that high fat low fiber liquid diet where you eat nothing but bacon grease?" Kratos asked.

"Nah, that was just a fad." Presea replied.

"What's the new one?"

"I only eat foods that begin with vowels." Presea said proudly.

"That sounds really hard." Sheena muttered. "What did you have for breakfast?"

"Eggs and Oreos." Presea replied. "And for lunch, I'm having asparagus… and Oreos."

"Holy crap, I've been on that diet for years!" Zelos cried out. "I had no idea I was so healthy! I even cut out all the eggs, and I don't even know what asparagus is."

"Alright, stop your chatterboxing." Kratos snapped. "We've got to keep our eyes open for any sign of enemy activity."

Just then, a slightly rusted tank drove right between them and the Red Base. "I can't have you not paying attention." Kratos continued without noticing.

But Zelos, Sheena and Presea just watched as the tank rolled past their rock and out into the canyon. "You have to be alert." Kratos kept saying. "Constant vigilance… composed… attentive!"

At that, the privates turned to face their leader who smiled. "See? That's much better."

* * *

Back at the complex, Lloyd stepped inside as quiet as a mouse, SMG at the ready. When he was certain that all was clear, he signaled Emil to follow him.

"Hey, why didn't you bring that glowing thing?" Emil whispered as he entered.

"No way." Lloyd whispered back. "I'd rather have a gun."

"I've got a gun." Emil said, holding up his ghostly SMG.

"What are you gonna do, shoot it with ghost bullets?" Lloyd scoffed.

"Okay, yeah, that's a good point." Emil conceded.

"Hi, I'm Casper, the friendly bullet."

"See anything?" Marta called out.

"Nope." Lloyd shouted back.

"You know, Volt was here when I got attacked." Emil recalled. "Maybe he knows something." Cautiously, he peeked through a window to a lower chamber and he spotted the bomb. "Hey, Volt… Volt!"

"He-he-hey." the bomb chuckled. "Look who's back, the dickhead!"

"Hey, up yours." Emil snapped.

"Back for another beating?" Volt giggled. "It must be ass kick o'clock!"

"Where's that big alien looking thing?" Emil asked.

"I don't know." Volt replied. "Last time I saw him, he was halfway up your ass."

"Is this bomb giving you a hard time?" Marta called out as she entered.

"I see you brought a girl with you." Volt chuckled. "What're you gonna do, have a crying contest?"

With a scowl, Emil turned a corner and spotted a cobalt-blue armored body lying in the passageway. "Hey, look, there's my body right there."

As Lloyd approached, he suddenly heard a deep growl coming from his left. "Huh?" Turning round, he caught a glimpse of blue skin and sharp, white teeth. "There it is!"

"Oh crap!" Marta yelped.

"RUN!" Emil screamed.

As they scrambled away from the creature, they fired their guns in every direction but one.

"Oh my God, oh my God!" Lloyd screamed as he jumped through a window. "I don't wanna die, what the fuck is that thing? Women and children last!"

"RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!" Emil yelled as he ran through the wall next to the door.

"What, you leaving already?" Volt laughed hysterically. "That's fucking hilarious!"

Outside, Genis watched puzzled as Emil, Lloyd and Marta ran past him. "Hey what happened? Did we win?" he called out as he followed them.

"Yeah, Sage, we won!" Lloyd yelled back. "This is our victory lap!"

"Hey, come back in." Volt taunted the retreating Blues. "I think you're tiring him out!"


	2. The Creature

Chapter 2

The Creature

In Blood Gulch, Kratos had determined that the Red Base was unoccupied and led his team down to reclaim it. Sheena however was trying to convince her leader that she, Zelos and Presea had seen a tank drive past behind him but Kratos didn't believe it.

"I'm telling you, it was here." Sheena insisted. "It drove by while you were talking. You had your back turned and it went zoom right behind you!"

"Well," Presea put in. "It really sounded like: Ehhhhhhhrchugachugchur- ah my leg, ah!"

"That's not the important part of the story, Presea." Sheena snapped.

"Sure, Fujibayashi, I believe you." Kratos replied doubtfully. "You saw an enormous tank that appeared miraculously and then just as quickly disappeared. And you're the only one that can see it, just like signs of Presea's sanity."

"No I'm not!" Sheena shouted. "Presea saw it too!"

"Yeah." Presea agreed.

"Presea's impressionable." Kratos retorted. "She'd agree with anything you said."

"Yeah." Presea repeated.

"Aw hell, she'd eat a spoonful of dirt if you told her it tasted like chocolate."

Presea gasped. "That's not true!"

"Oh, so that's where you draw the line?" Kratos chuckled.

"No." Presea replied. "I mean, it's not true that dirt tastes like chocolate right? Seriously… right?"

"Okay." Sheena sighed. "Zelos saw it too. We all saw it."

Zelos just stared at her in confusion. "I don't know what you're talking about; I didn't see a damn thing."

"WHAT?" Sheena yelled.

"Tank, you say?" Zelos asked. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I was too busy paying attention to our Sergeant while he gave us our orders."

"Oh really?" Sheena scowled. "Well, what did he say?"

Zelos just shrugged. "Something inspiring about beating the Blues, and the base or the flag, er or something… I'm pretty sure he mentioned a polecat too. I was getting a little emotional at the end."

"You see, Fujibayashi?" Kratos said. "Some soldiers know how to pay attention."

"Wow." Zelos muttered. "That might be the first time you've ever actually compli-"

"Shut up, dirtbag." Kratos interrupted.

Sheena was still flabbergasted. "Zelos, you just told us two minutes ago that you saw it!"

"Yeah, I know." Zelos chuckled. "But it's a lot more fun this way."

* * *

Meanwhile, at the complex, the Blues had stopped by the inner wall to catch their breaths.

"Ugh, man." Emil groaned as he got up from his seat on a rock. "I just cannot fucking stand the idea of my body laying in there."

"Ha ha, you never looked better!" Volt's voice echoed from the building.

"Hey, shut up Volt!" Emil yelled back then he sighed. "You know, we could have taken that thing out if I'd have hit it just a few more times."

"A few more times?" Lloyd cried. "How about one time?"

"Well, I think I landed at least two or three shots." Emil murmured.

"Yeah right." Lloyd scoffed.

"You didn't hit anything but the wall." Marta agreed.

"How the hell would you know?" Emil argued. "You were running straight backwards."

"Hey, this is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively." Marta said defensively.

"Where were you planning on shooting him from, the fucking moon?" Lloyd asked in disbelief. "If you'd have backed up any further you'd have had to mail him the bullets."

"You know what? I work better alone." Marta cried out as she got to her feet. "You ladies stay here, and I'll be back in two minutes with that thing's head on a platter."

As Marta marched back towards the building, Lloyd turned to Emil in concern. "Does it ever bother you that the most take-charge guy on our team is a girl?"

"Not at all." Emil replied with a shrug. "As long as I get my body back, I don't care if I'm a hero."

Lloyd and Genis stared at Emil for a moment then they looked at each other and burst out laughing.

Emil glared at them. "What?! What's funny?!"

"Castagnier, you're kind of a long way from 'hero'." Lloyd replied between giggles. "Wouldn't it have been better to say 'I don't care if I'm a participant'? Or maybe bystander?"

"Shut up." Emil snapped.

"How about 'decoy'?" Genis added.

Emil glowered at him. "Hey Sage, don't help him, okay?"

Lloyd then looked round and spotted Marta as she entered the building. "Hey, she's going in." he informed the others. "You guys think she can take him?"

In response, they suddenly heard a loud punch and seconds later, Marta's panting ghost appeared behind them. "Aw, crap."

"Nope." Emil replied.

* * *

Back in Blood Gulch, Sheena watched as Presea rode her hover-bike back and forth across the canyon. "Come on, Presea, give someone else a turn!"

"Wait, wait." Presea called out as she slowed to a halt. "I wanna show you guys a bunny hop I'm working on, look!" She then started jerking the bike back and forth. "N-no wait, now, he- look, look- aw, man, I was totally doing it earlier. Why weren't you guys watching then?"

"I need it to find the tank!" Sheena yelled, ignoring Presea's tomfoolery.

As Presea whizzed around Sheena, whooping with glee, on a nearby hill, Zelos came up to a concerned Kratos.

"Wilder, I wanna share something with you." Kratos muttered. "And you can't let Fujibayashi know."

"Whatever." Zelos sighed.

Kratos turned to look at Sheena as he scanned the canyon. "I think she's gone mad. It's probably some kind of time-travel, post-traumatic, repetitive stress syndrome. In scientific terms, she's developed Cranial Insanitosis. Basically, she's gone bonkers."

"Sarge, I'm not crazy." Sheena's voice yelled through their ears. "I really saw a tank."

"And apparently, she's developed some kind of mutant telepathy power." Kratos gasped. "Clear your mind, Wilder, she can hear your thoughts!"

"No, you guys just left your mics on again." Sheena sighed irritably. "I keep telling you not to do that because you're just wasting the batteries. Oh, and guess who rechar-"

"Clearly, she's sabotaging us with her superior technology." Kratos said as he switched off his radio. "Wilder, I need you to step up to the plate. You're my #2 man now."

"Does that mean more work?" Zelos groaned.

"Of course." Kratos replied. "You'll have to do Fujibayashi's regular duties on top of the responsibilities I normally entrust you with."

"So basically, just Sheena's duties then." Zelos sighed.

"Right." Kratos confirmed. "Luckily we still have Presea, so no one can fill in her shoes." With that, he turned round and yelled, "Presea, combat situation!"

"Yes sir, I'm on it!" Presea shouted back and then she rode off through the canyon screaming like a little girl.

"What a pro." Kratos murmured admiringly. "Fuji- I mean, Wilder, establish a perimeter!"

"Huh?" Zelos realized Kratos was talking to him again. "What's that?"

"Make a border around us." Kratos explained, "and make sure no enemy crosses it."

Zelos let out an exasperated groan. "That sounds like a lot of effort. Can't I just go back to being #3 again?"

"#3? What do you mean #3?"

"Oh right, Presea… Can I go back to being #4 then?"

"And Aska."

"Fine, I'll be #5, I don't care."

"I don't know." Kratos muttered thoughtfully. "That Tenebrae guy can really work a rocket launcher."

"But he's the enemy!"

"I'm not real particular." Kratos shrugged then he spotted Sheena coming towards them. "Now get to work on that perimeter; bogey approaching!"

"Sir." Sheena called as she approached. "I really think we should be looking for that tank."

"Hold on a minute." Kratos held out his hands as Zelos knelt down and started drawing in the dirt with the sniper rifle. "Let's just take it easy there, Private First Class Sheena Fujibayashi."

"But I-" Sheena's words stuck in her mouth when she heard Kratos. "Hey, what? Why did you use my full name and rank?"

Kratos was about to reply when he looked down and saw Zelos finish his work. "Wilder, what the hell are you doing?"

"I secured your perimeter, Sir." Zelos replied as he stood up and admired the line he'd drawn in between Kratos and Sheena. "Now, I'm gonna go over to the chow hall and secure some Oreos. I got a diet to keep up. Break time!" And he ran back towards the Base.

"Honeymoon's over, numbnuts." Kratos bellowed at his back. "You're back down to #7!"

"Oh yeah?" Zelos yelled back. "Well I saw the tank too!"

* * *

Back at the complex, the Blues, dead and alive, after a huge session of random arguing and insults, were thinking over ways to get past the alien and recover Emil's and Marta's bodies.

After three hours of thought, Lloyd had a brainwave. "Maybe Sage should try talking to him."

"Me, what would I say?" Genis muttered nervously.

"Start with some common ground." Lloyd suggested, "like how you both killed Castagnier."

"Mmmm, good times." Genis sighed nostalgically.

"You know." Emil said slowly. "I actually like that idea."

"You do?" Marta asked.

"Well, think about it." Emil replied. "While our Ambassador here is either being A) eaten by the monster, or B) digested by the monster, you and I can sneak back in and get our bodies."

Genis jumped up and threw an arm over Lloyd's shoulders. "I would make an excellent Ambidasdor, because I am very shy!"

"Get away from me, freak!" Lloyd cried, wriggling out of his teammate's hug.

Emil chuckled to himself. "You know, if that word's too hard to pronounce, you can just call yourself 'bait'."

With a nod, Genis entered the main building. Emil and Marta waited for five minutes then they followed him. As they reached the top of the ramp, Marta spotted a black-clad female form lying on the floor. "There's my body."

"Oh yeah, hey, look, there's your body." Emil let out a snigger. "You really didn't make it very far, did you?"

Marta looked at Emil thoughtfully and put on a scary smirk. "You know I wonder, if I killed a ghost, would it come back as a ghost of a ghost?"

"Yeah, that's a good point." Emil gulped as he backed away. "I'll… shut up now."

Meanwhile, Genis kept walking down the passageway until he came across the bomb. "Hey Volt." he called out. "Say, have you seeeeen, um, it's a big, uh slimy, like alien-monster looking thing? It's uhhh, it's shaped just kinda like that shadow that's on the ground next to you…" He trailed off as he followed the shadow up to its source and gulped. "Oh shit."

* * *

Back at Blood Gulch, Kratos gathered his soldiers in the canyon for an important session.

"Alright." Kratos started. "Since Fujibayashi has been demoted for reasons of dementia-"

"The tank was real!" Sheena yelled from her position by the cliffs.

"And she's been ordered by the Judge to stay at least two hundred yards away from us-"

"Oh come on, that wasn't a real Judge! That was Presea wearing a powdered wig!" Sheena yelled.

"Overruled!"

Kratos nodded in satisfaction and finished, "We are now holding auditions for the permanent position of Second-in-Command here at Blood Gulch Outpost #1."

"WHAT?" Sheena bellowed.

"And since Fujibayashi is disqualified because of the afore mentioned cuckooness, and since Wilder is ineligible-"

"Or because I don't wanna compete." Zelos interrupted.

"Because you're ineligible." Kratos replied.

"No, I just don't wanna compete."

"Of course you don't, because you're ineligible!"

Zelos just sighed, "Whatever."

"I guess that means I get the job." Presea cried out. "Because I'm unopposed, which is the same way I got 'Most likely to be epic' in high school."

"Actually Presea." Kratos argued, "I managed to find some other candidates for you to compete against."

Presea was stunned. "Huh?"

"We've located an old wrench used by Aska and a skull of unknown origin." Kratos explained as he placed the two items next to Presea. "Some dirt and a rock entered the preliminaries but they didn't make it to the semifinals, lazy bastards."

"Yeah." Presea chuckled confidently. "You guys are going down! In your face, wrench, in your face! Ha ha, take that, bonehead! Woohoo!"

"You will be competing against each other in a series of grueling events in order to gain my attention." Kratos told him. "First up, the obstacle course. Wilder, get the alligators!"

"I thought I was ineligible." Zelos said puzzled.

"To earn my respect, dirtbag." Kratos argued. "You're still perfectly capable of grunt work."

As Zelos reluctantly got to work on the obstacle course, Sheena just watched from the cliffs, feeling very low.

"Oh man, I can't believe this." she moaned as she slumped down. "My life was going exactly as planned. I was Second-in-Command of a marginally successful unit, I had a superior officer who genuinely cared about me, and I had the respect and admiration of all my peers. That was the dream!" she sobbed. "How did it all go so wrong? How? Hahahahow?" She then scowled angrily. "Maybe that stupid tank was just a figment of my imagination."

"I don't think so." a feminine mechanical voice spoke up.

Sheena whirled round to see the tank right behind her. "Shut up." he snapped. "You ruined my life."

* * *

Meanwhile, inside the complex, Emil and Marta managed to possess their bodies again and were about to head out when they heard Genis's voice from down the passage. "I think I will call him Crunchbite."

As they followed the voice towards the room, they heard Volt retort, "That's a stupid name."

"Uh, well." Genis scoffed. "I think it's better than your suggestion: Crouchasaurus Rex?"

"Sage, who are you talking to…" Emil's voice stuck in his throat as his question was answered. "HOLY SHIT!"

"Blaaarrrg!" the monster roared as it reared to its full height.

Emil and Marta raised their assault rifles at it but Genis jumped in front of them, holding up his hands. "Stop!" he cried out. "He's my friend. He's not going to eat anybody."

"Yeah." Volt agreed. "He thinks you guys stink too much to eat."

As the creature crouched down again on double-jointed legs, Marta stared at the creature and recognized it as one of the alien-angel hybrids. Its skin was mainly grey but it was covered in armor the same shade of blue as Genis's armor. Its feet had two toes each and it had three fingers on each hand. Most noticeably, its head had two reddish-yellow horns protruding from the sides and 3 spikes coming from it's arms and legs. (A/N: Imagine Kilia from the first game in her monster form)

"He thinks we stink?" she cried out, holding her nose. "It smells like someone set a fish on fire in here."

"Largh?' the alien growled, offended.

"Sage, what the fuck?" Emil murmured as he lowered his gun. "Are you sure about this thing?"

"Absolutely." Genis reassured. "He hasn't tried to bite me at all… well since he bit me the first time."

"Yeah." Volt chuckled. "That was hilarious."

Genis then winced and rubbed his arm. "I think I might need a tetanus shot."

The alien then let out a loud "Hrrrnnk!" right into Emil's face.

"Whoa." Emil coughed, placing his hands over his nose. "That thing's breath smells like infected cheese on a hotplate!"

"Largh, blargh!" the alien grunted.

"I don't think he liked that." Volt sniggered.

Just then, Lloyd came towards the room pistol raised, but then he sniffed the air and with a gag, dropped the gun.

"Whoa, man." he gasped, waving a hand in front of his nose. "What is that stench? Is a skunk juggling dead hamsters in here? It smells like old yogurt."

He stepped inside and scowled at the alien. "Did you eat and then throw up a can of trash?"

"Hnnnk!" the alien cried out.

"That's exactly what I said right before he bit me." Genis said.

"Largher, hnnk! Blargh!"

Marta turned to the others. "You understand what he's saying?"

The alien then began to blargh and honk at them.

"Hey, hey wait." Emil cried. "I think I'm hearing a pattern here. I think that blarghs come after honks… or vice-versa."

Genis struggled to think. "I think… I think blargh means… me, or apples." He gasped. "Guys, Apples must be the name of his cat!" He turned to the alien. "Quick, quick, is- is Apples stuck in a tree? I'll call the fire department."

Emil rolled his eyes and turned to the creature. "Mister Huge Alien-Angel." he asked loudly and slowly. "Do you understand what we are saying?"

In response, the alien raised its head and let out a loud "Whaarrrggh!"

Emil scratched his head in puzzlement. "I have no idea if that means yes or no."

"Yeah, totally blows away your vice versa theory, sorry." Genis agreed.

"You two are retarded." Lloyd cut in. "You're not gonna be able to figure out alien language by experimentation, give it up."

"You don't know that!" Emil argued.

"You don't even know how they talk." Lloyd retorted. "What if their language isn't entirely verbal? It could be part telepathic, or via smells. Yuck!"

"Well if it's via smells." Emil countered, "then you should be fluent in the language already, jackass!"

"Hnnk!" the alien added.

"Oh shut up." Emil snapped. "You're not helping."

"Wait!" Genis said. "I think Irving might be right. I think he might be saying things telepathically. I just heard something in my head!"

"What?" Emil cried. "What is it?"

"It was a voice." Genis muttered, "saying, 'Blargh blargh blargh honk'."

Emil let out an irritated sigh. "That wasn't in your head, Sage, he just said that. You're just so dumb you're lagging a few seconds behind us. By the time your brain has figured out what it's heard, it feels like it's already happened."

Genis was silent for a few seconds then he retorted, "That's not true!"

"Blargh!" the alien growled.

"Wait!" Genis shouted. "I hear something else in my head! It must be Apples trying to communicate with me! Quick, Irving, get a ladder!"


	3. Defection

Chapter 3

Defection

In Blood Gulch, Presea waited by the wrench and the skull for Kratos's evaluation.

"Alright, dirtbags," Kratos said. "After the third round of the competition, it's still anyone's contest."

"Yeah-hah," Presea cheered. "Burn, wrench, anyone includes me! Haha!"

Kratos continued, "Presea was leading after the obstacle course and talent contest."

"Awesome!" Presea crowed.

"But then the mysterious skull pulled ahead during the question and answer session."

Presea frowned. "That doesn't seem physically possible."

Kratos then added up the score. "So the standings are the skull, Presea, and in third place the wrench which is the current crowd favorite."

A loud beeping made them look round to see the Warthog parked on a hill with the windscreen painted with the words 'Go Wrench! All the way to State! Skull sucks'.

"Maybe the skull will be your new sidekick," Zelos chuckled. "'Hey Sarge, how can I kiss your ass if I don't have any lips?' Hehehehee!"

"And in last place, Wilder," Kratos finished.

"What?" Zelos cried out. "I thought I was ineligible."

"Ineligible to win, dead man," Kratos argued. "Luckily there's no chance of that happening since the last round is the evening-wear competition."

"Whohohoa," Presea chortled. "You're in trouble now, skull."

"Then can I quit?" Zelos moaned.

"Course not," Kratos snapped. "Only eligible contestants can withdraw from the competition. I guess you'll just have to settle for fifth place, turdbelly."

Zelos let out a sigh then realized, "Fifth place? Should I even ask who's in fourth?"

Kratos let out a smirk. "I'm reserving fourth place for any late entries that would obviously be better than you, such as a turd or a turd farmer."

* * *

Meanwhile at the complex, the Blues still hadn't figured out the alien's language so Emil decided to talk with Aqua. "Hey Aqua, is there any way that you could translate what this big alien is saying to us?"

The hologram thought for a moment then frowned. "No, sorry man."

"Aw, come on," Emil egged on. "Isn't this one of the aliens that built you?"

"Yeah," Aqua confirmed. "But I don't know much about these creatures. I was only programmed with knowledge about the shisnos...you know you guys."

"Yeah," Emil grunted in displeasure. "Listen, that word is really starting to bug me a little bit."

"You didn't even know what it meant until I told you," Aqua reminded him.

"I know but you just say it so much," Emil replied.

Aqua looked put-off. "Hey I only say 'shisno' in context, like if I'm talking to a shisno or about a shisno or..." She then stopped and looked thoughtful. "Ok I think I see your point."

"So you'll stop?" Emil asked hopefully.

"Inter-species prejudices take a while to over come, but I'll try."

"Thanks," Emil said with a smile.

Aqua nodded in agreement. "Luckily, I'm not lazy like a shisno."

Emil sighed and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, it's pretty clear you mean to give this your best effort."

"I think the important thing is that I'm trying," Aqua replied.

With a shake of his head, Emil made his way back to the room where his team and the alien were waiting. As he entered, he could hear Lloyd explaining slowly to someone, "Okay, Castagnier is trying to get a trans-lay-tor, so that we can talk to each other."

"Irving, the enormous alien doesn't speak our language," Emil said. "Speaking slowly is not gonna help."

"What?" Lloyd asked puzzled. "I'm talking to Sage."

"Oh."

Genis meanwhile was looking puzzled. "I don't understand," he called out. "Are you- Are you hungry? Irving, are you hungry? Are you cold?"

"What? No," Lloyd scowled.

"Do you need a blanket?" Genis continued. "Irving, do you want some hot dogs in a blanket?"

"Dammit no, Sage," Lloyd snapped. "I'm not cold, I don't want a hot dog, and if you put mustard in my fucking sheets again, I'm gonna kill you!"

Genis then turned to the hybrid and patted its slimy head. "Okay gargantuan alien-angel, now that we have decided to keep you, you need a real name. I vote for Fluffy."

"Fluffy?!" Lloyd and Marta spluttered.

Genis nodded. "Fluffy, the alien that only loves!"

"He's got to have a name," Lloyd muttered. "Why don't we just ask him?" He knelt down to the alien's eye-level. "Hey alien dude, what's your name? Name… I am Irving." He turned to his leader. "This is Castagnier." He then nodded to Marta. "That's Bitch-pants McCrabby."

"Hey!" Marta shouted.

"Well that's what we call you," Lloyd said with a shrug.

"Not me," Genis put in. "I call you Mrs. McCrabby."

"Thanks," Marta sighed.

Emil then had a go. "What is your name?"

"Hernk Hurnk," the alien replied.

"Your name."

"Hernk Hurnk."

"Naayyy-mmuhhh!"

"Just keep repeating it," Lloyd encouraged sarcastically. "I'm sure he'll come up with the right definition on his own."

Emil ignored him. "He is Irving. Ir-ving. You are?"

"Hernk Hurnk."

"No, no, no, not 'honk honk'. Name."

"Hernk Hurnk."

"Okay, I give up," Emil sighed as he stood up. "All this guy ever says is honk honk."

"Well," Marta pondered. "Have you ever considered the fact that his name is Honk-Honk?"

"Glwargh?"

"Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?" Lloyd said.

"Yeah," Emil chuckled in agreement. "I mean seriously, what kind of name is Honk-Honk?"

"Glwargh?"

The Blue leader noticed the alien looking at him and asked, "Hey, big alien-angel, is your name Honk-Honk?"

"Lwargh,"

"Hey wait a second," Emil muttered thoughtfully. "I think blarg means yes. Alien, does blarg mean yes?"

"Blarg."

"Holy shit!" Emil cried out. "Blarg means yes, he just said yes, blarg means yes. I can speak alien!"

"Yeah, unless blarg means no," Marta argued. "In which case, he just said no, blarg does not mean yes."

"What, no way," Emil scoffed. "Hey alien, am I right?"

"Blarg."

"Ha, see?" Emil laughed. "The fuck do you know?"

* * *

Back at Blood Gulch, Kratos was ready to announce the results of the competition. "After the final tabulation, we've declared a winner!" he declared. "Wilder, the envelope please."

"Envelope?" Zelos cried out. "We don't have any envelopes, this is the army."

Kratos scowled at him then announced, "Presea's the winner."

"Oh Yeah!" Presea cheered.

* * *

From the cliffs, Sheena heard Presea's cheer and let out a sigh. "Well, my life is officially over. Time to go kill myself…"

She set off into the canyon and Luna rolled along after her calling out, "Wait for me!"

Sheena sighed and turned around. "Look, no offense, imaginary tank, but I don't believe in you. You're just a product of my imagination."

"Actually," Luna corrected, "I'm a product of the military contractor that made the lowest bid." She lowered her turret sadly. "I'm a little ashamed of that."

"Well, leave me alone," Sheena yelled. "I can't have some imaginary tank ruining my excellent reputation. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go dig a hole to live in."

She went on into the canyon, Luna following close behind then she stopped and let out a sigh. "I wish Zelos was here. I could convince him there was food in the ground then he would dig half the hole for me, or maybe a third of the hole. Then he'd use the shovel to eat oatmeal." She shuddered at the thought. "On second thought, I don't wish Zelos was here."

"You can live with me," Luna invited.

Sheena closed her eyes and placed her hands on the side of her head. "Just ignore it, it's not real."

"I have my own base," Luna continued as she rolled up next to her. "In fact, I've made lots of renovations since you all left, see?" She pointed her turret to a building similar to the Red Base.

Sheena looked up and gasped. "Hey, that's the old Blue Base."

"Yes!" Luna agreed. "I was sent to guard it from something. I can't really remember what…" She rolled back and forth on her treads in the tank equivalent of scratching her head. "Some of my memory banks have failed over the years. Do you remember what the Blues were fighting?"

Sheena gulped, knowing that if he told her the truth she would fire her cannon at him. "Uuuuuuh, I think it was pirates."

"Are you sure?" Luna pressed. "I think it was another army and I think they were a different color."

"No, it was definitely pirates," Sheena reassured.

"That doesn't sound right," Luna muttered.

"Yeah, pirates. And I think there were some ninjas that were working with them."

"Noooo, I don't think so."

"And I think they had traveled from another planet."

"Incorrect."

"I think it was called Cowboyland."

"Negative."

"And they were here to rustle up some cattle."

"No."

"But the Blues were gonna stop them."

"Nah."

"No wait- monkeys. Monkey pirates!"

"Nope."

"From Niflheim."

"My logical data analysis sector indicates that would be highly unlikely. And my bullshit meter agrees."

* * *

"Castagnier?" Lloyd's voice echoed across the complex as he searched for his leader. "Castagnier! Hey, Castagnier!"

"I'm right behind you, dumbass," Emil replied from behind him.

"Oh," Lloyd muttered as he looked round. "Hey, do you have a knife?"

"No, that's a weapon dude," Emil said. "Ask Marta."

"I can't," Lloyd replied. "She said she had something to take care of. Girl stuff, I think."

"Huh?" Emil asked. "Like what?"

"I don't know," Lloyd answered with a shrug. "I stopped asking questions at 'girl stuff'."

Emil then spotted Genis sitting in front of the alien, showing it pictures drawn on the wall. "What're you two guys doing?"

"We're gonna teach the alien how to speak English," Lloyd replied.

"How're you gonna do that?"

"People learn English all the time, it aren't that hard."

Emil rolled his eyes at his teammate. "Maybe you should try learning his language."

"Fuck that," Lloyd retorted. "We got here first and that makes this a colony. Those are the rules, dude: Symphonian colony, Symphonian language."

"Irving, there's thousands of languages spoken in Symphonia," Emil informed him.

"Yeah, but only one that kicks ass," Lloyd argued. "And that's the one we're teaching. English 101: Remedial Kick-Ass."

"Alright," Emil sighed, folding his arms. "There is no way this is gonna work."

"Yeah it is," Lloyd disagreed. "We got visual aids and everything."

Emil took a moment to look at the drawings on the wall. "Where the hell did you get those?"

"We made them," Lloyd explained. "It turns out Sage's handgun didn't have any bullets, it was loaded with crayons!" He held out a blue crayon to show Emil. "I just need to cut one of these; do you have a pocket knife?"

"Hey, if you need to cut something, why don't you just use one of those swords of yours?" Emil replied.

"Oh, right, duh," Lloyd said, slapping his forehead. He then pulled one of the handles off his belt and activated the sword.

"Whargh?" The alien started at the sound of the activation and turned its head round. It took one glimpse at Lloyd's sword, and then with a loud roar, it pounced onto the teal soldier.

"AHHH!" Lloyd yelped as the alien knocked him down and then started punching him on the head. "What the fuck?"

"Whoa!" Emil burst out laughing, "Man, Irving, that thing either really hates that sword, or really hates you! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Aaaaaaahhh!" Lloyd screamed as he covered his head with his arms. "Get this fucking thing off me!"

"Hey, wait a second, Irving," Emil laughed as he knelt down next to them. "This might be a good chance for us to evaluate how these things fight." He took out his cellphone and started recording the beatdown. "Now hold still… for science."

As the alien now moved on to punching the rest of Lloyd's body, he screamed in agony, "Not the face, not the face!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Blue Base in Blood Gulch, Sheena made her way to the top of the base and called the Red Base on her phone since her radio was charging. "Come on, answer the phone," she said as she started pacing on top of the base.

"Hello, Red Army HQ," Presea's voice replied in the manner of a telephone operator. "We don't stop until every Blue is dead."

"Presea, let me talk to Kratos," Sheena cried.

"For help in English, press or say 1."

Sheena sighed. "One."

"Para Espanol, marque numero dos."

"One," Sheena repeated. "Wuuuunnnnah. Wu- God dammit." She pressed one on the keypad.

"For unconfirmed Japanese, press 1 too, as in also."

"Presea!" Sheena yelled.

"Oh hey, Sheena, what's up?" Presea asked with a giggle.

"Presea, put Kratos on," Sheena shouted urgently.

"Oooh, yeah, Sarge is really busy," Presea replied uneasily. "Things have really picked up since you left, uh, let me see…"

"Presea, I'm not here," Kratos's voice called out from a distance. "Just take a message."

"Do you mind if I put you on hold?" Presea asked.

Sheena was now getting annoyed. "Presea, stop screening my calls!"

"Sorry, Sheena, Sarge isn't available at the moment," Presea apologized. "I'll tell you what, I can ask him to call you back but it's really better if you have an appointment."

"Tell her you've got call waiting," Kratos called out. "No, wait, we're going through a tunnel."

"Oh, for the love of God, I can hear him, Presea!" Sheena yelled. "Would you just tell him that I've captured the Blue Base and…" She looked over her shoulder quickly before whispering, "And I've taken possession of their tank."

"Right, right…" Presea then spoke slowly and carefully as if she was writing the information down. "Sheena… Blue Base… Taaaaannnnk… tank."

"Are you really writing this down?" Sheena growled, sensing Presea's irony.

"Look, I have to go," Presea said. "We have a conference with Zelos in five minutes; he's pitching ideas for how to use your rations. Gotta run! If anything comes up, we'll call you… And, Sheena?"

"What?" Sheena snarled through gritted teeth.

"This job is the best! I can't believe you quit!" And the line went dead.

Sheena gaped in silence for a moment then she scowled. "That's it, I'm gonna kill them all." She grabbed a sniper rifle and walked toward Luna. "Hey Luna, lock and load! We've got somewhere to go!"

* * *

Back at the complex, the alien was still beating the hell out of Lloyd and the teal soldier's cries of agony had descended into just moaning between each pound he got, "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…"

In the passageway, Marta met up with Volt. "Alright bomb, we need to talk."

"Oh yeah?" Volt chuckled. "Talk about what, Butch, working on cars and picking up chicks?"

"Excuse me," Marta scowled, placing her hand on her sides. "Is that any way to talk to a lady?"

"A lady, who're you kidding?" Volt sniggered. "I bet you got more balls than a Roman candle."

Marta let out an angry sigh. "I knew this was a bad idea."

"Hey, Lu," Volt taunted. "Why you got black armor, couldn't find anything in flannel? Ha! Flannel!"

"Listen, jackass," Marta snapped. "I put you together, I can take you apart."

Volt's laughter cut off. "Hey, whaddaya mean?"

"Bombs come with remote detonators, dumbass," Marta explained as she pulled out a small remote control. "And any time I want, I can just hit a button and you're just a memory… a very annoying, very insulting memory, but nonetheless a memory."

"I think you're bluffing," Volt muttered before adding, "Dike."

"Okay, strike two," Marta warned, holding her finger just inches over the button.

"Alright," Volt yelped. "Whaddaya want?"

"Well," Marta replied, "when I built you, I used parts from an old protocol robot."

"Yeah, sure," Volt agreed. "And you also used part from some of your more _personal_devices."

"Whoa whoa whoa," Marta quickly interrupted. "Okay, can you use those protocol parts and translate what this alien thing is saying?"

"Of course!" Volt replied. "But what's in it for me?"

"Let's put it this way," Marta answered, waving the remote in front of the bomb. "You don't push my buttons and I don't push yours."

"Alright, fine," Volt sighed. "But I'm not translating any of that touchy-feely crap!"

"Deal… Come on." Marta put away the remote and set off down the passage but then stopped as she realized that Volt wasn't following. "Well, are you coming?"

"What am I gonna do, roll there?" Volt retorted. "Pick me up, you dumb bitch!"

"Great," Marta sighed as she came back and just managed to lift the bomb. "I can tell this is starting off well."

As she set off again, Volt decided to annoy her again. "Hey Lu, I bet you haven't had your hands on a ball this big since your morning scratch!" He burst out laughing but Marta just scowled, dropped him and stamped away down the passage.

"HEY, aw come on!" Volt called out. "Lu baby, where're ya going? It's just a joke between the two of us guys, come on! Laugh it off, big guy, laugh it off!"

Marta shook her head and rolled her eyes as she kept going, but Volt still wouldn't let her off. "Hey, Lu, when you walk away, I can see where you tucked it!"


	4. The Prophecy

Chapter 4

The Prophecy

Rather than carry the annoying Volt outside, Marta called Emil and Genis into the complex and explained her plans for the alien-angel.

When she'd finished, Emil shook his head in disbelief. "You have got to be kidding me," he scowled. "There is no way I'm gonna let this happen."

"I told you, he can do it," Marta assured.

"Yeah, I'm qualified," Volt agreed.

"Listen, I don't doubt that he can do it," Emil argued. "I doubt that I want him to do it. In fact, I doubt the WORLD wants him to do it."

"Why?" Volt asked in a puzzled tone.

Emil grimaced uncomfortably. "Well, you know what, Volt? You're not exactly the most diplomatic of individuals."

"That's bullshit," Volt snapped. "You're only saying that because you're racist!"

"Racist?" Emil cried out. "Bombs are not a race!"

"Ah, shut up, you dirty Shisno," Volt retorted.

Emil growled in anger and turned to Marta. "We finally make contact with an angelic being, and our first attempt at communication is going to be through a bomb?! Am I the only person who has a problem with this?!"

"Well, unless you got your English to Blarg-blarg dictionary, I don't think you got a choice now, do you?" Volt pointed out.

"I had one of those," Genis put in. "But I threw it out, it didn't have many pictures."

"I'm sure this'll be fine," Marta reassured her ex-boyfriend.

Emil let out a reluctant sigh. "You know, I feel that I'm gonna regret this, but I feel even more that I just don't care… and that watching this whole thing unravel might be kinda interesting. Go for it."

"Alright," Marta said, clapping her hands together in eagerness. "Where's the alien-angel?"

Emil gasped in alarm. "Oh shit, I forgot!"

He ran to the window and looked outside… to see the alien-angel still busy pounding the living hell out of Lloyd, who was still crying out but more in boredom than of pain, "Ow, ow, ow, ow…"

* * *

Meanwhile in Blood Gulch, Zelos had left the Red Base so he wouldn't get bossed around by Kratos and Presea and was now standing in the canyon, minding his own business and smoking a cigarette when he heard his name being called. "Zelos! Oh Zeeellllooooosss…"

Zelos turned round to see Presea coming towards him on the hover-scooter and sighed. "Oh great…"

"Zelos, there you are," Presea called out as he arrived. "Where've you been?"

"Right here," Zelos replied, pointing at his spot.

"I've been looking all over for you," Presea said as he dismounted. "I looked in the Base, I looked around the Base, I looked on top of the Base, I looked in the Base again-"

"I think you need to learn what 'all over' means," Zelos interrupted.

Presea shrugged. "Anyway, Sarge wants you to come back to the Base and-"

"No," Zelos cut in again. "I'm not going to do it."

"No?" Presea cried out. "But I didn't tell you what he wants."

"Presea, it's Sarge," Zelos replied. "I know he doesn't want me to come in to the Base to help him eat ice-cream, he wants me to do stuff… work stuff."

"But-"

"Listen, Presea," Zelos cut her off. "I know you're riding high on your new promotion right now, but don't think you can order me around. Me and Sheena, we had a system. She didn't try to tell me what to do, and I didn't ignore her."

"Wait, you ignored her all the time," Presea recalled.

"I'm sorry, what? I wasn't listening," Zelos replied. "See, the system works. Learn the system, Presea."

* * *

As Presea tried to get her instruction through and Zelos continued to ignore her, on a cliff overlooking the middle of the canyon, a figure stood and spied on them through the scope of thier sniper rifle. It was Sheena, but her armor was now painted in regulation blue so sloppily that in places, its original maroon color could still be seen. She even wore a cover to conceal her face so that only her eyes were showing. (A/N: Look up Kakashi Hatake from Naruto and look at his mask, it's kinda like that)

"Look at those jerks," she muttered. "They don't know how good they have it…" She turned to look at the tank waiting down below. "Alright, Luna, remember the plan: We don't wanna hurt them, I just wanna make them totally jealous for kicking me out." She glanced down at her painted armor. "How does my armor look? Am I all blue?"

"Yes," Luna replied.

"Okay," Sheena nodded. "Let's start Operation Blue with Envy… you know, because normally it's green, but uh, I'm blue so it doesn't make any sense to say… oh, you know. Attack!"

* * *

Down below, Zelos had finally driven Presea away and was settling back in his lazy mood when he suddenly heard a familiar voice calling out, "Hey Luna, you know what's great? Being on the Blue Team.

Zelos looked towards the cliff and spotted a blue figure strolling along the ledge, talking to a tank rolling beneath. "It's so awesome," the figure was saying, "way more awesome than being on that ol' Red Team. Anyone can be on Red Team where you have to share a Base. On Blue Team, I get my own Base."

"Is that Sheena?" Zelos muttered then he called out, "Hey Sheena, why are you painted blue? Have you finally lost it?"

Sheena sighed in irritation. "This isn't working, they don't care. Luna, just shoot at them."

"Firing main cannon," Sheila stated and fired a shell at the Base.

* * *

At that moment, Presea returned to the Base and found Kratos outside the door. "I did my best, Sarge," he explained, "but Zelos said he wouldn't come to help."

"Oh, son of a Ben 'n' Jerry. Who's gonna help me eat all this ice-cream we found?" he said, holding one of the tubs of ice-cream.

Suddenly, there was a loud explosion and the whole Base shook as Sheila's round hit home.

"Ahhh, we're under attack!" Presea screamed in terror.

"Presea, you formulate a retaliation strategy," Kratos commanded as he ran back in. "I'll secure the rum raisin."

* * *

Back at the complex, Volt managed to convince the alien-angel to stop hitting Lloyd and now Marta and Emil were helping the badly bruised brunette to his feet.

"Oh-hohoh man, I'm gonna die," Lloyd moaned.

Genis stood next to Volt and the alien-angel-angel as the latter began to growl and honk. "What's he saying now, Volt?"

"Look guy," Volt snapped. "If you want me to translate for ya, you can't keep asking me every four seconds 'what's he saying now, Volt, what's he saying now?' I'm gonna tell you what he's saying, that's my freaking job!"

"That's what he said?" Genis asked puzzled. "That's a weird thing to say. Uh, tell him I said okay, I will not ask any more of uh, that… and also no."

"I think I need a translator just for Sage," Emil muttered.

"Wuarrrrrgh!" the alien-angel roared.

"Okay," Volt translated. "Basically, he's uh, he's pissed off."

"Oh yeah, no kidding!" Emil snapped. "Marta, are we paying for this service?"

"Just give him a chance," Marta reassured.

The alien-angel then started blarging and honking and Volt translated. "He says he came to claim some type of thing, and that the teal one took the thing, and now the thing is broken."

"Who's the teal one?" Lloyd asked.

"You are, idiot," Marta replied.

"No way, this is aqua. Teal's out."

"Wait, that thing that he's talking about must be the swords," Emil assumed, pointing to the discarded weapons. "And they're not broken, the'rye right there."

"Arrgh blargh!" the alien-angel retorted.

"He says that the great Eternal Sword, formed by the combination of the two Material Blades, only works with the hero who passes the Trial of the Windmill and retrieves it from its resting place," Volt interpreted. "For everyone else, it might as well be broken."

"Uh oh," Marta gulped.

"Trial? Please," Lloyd scoffed. "I fell in a hole, that's not a trial. I'm starting to like this culture though; any dude who trips is a hero. I'm pretty sure that makes Sage God."

"This all sounds like bullshit to me," Emil agreed.

"No he's right," Marta recalled. "It didn't work for me, remember?"

"Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl," Emil argued. "I mean, you can't even work the entertainment center back at the Base, it doesn't mean the remote control is mythically attached to us."

"Alright then, you little smartass," Marta retorted. "You pick it up and try it."

Emil turned round and reached his hand for the sword but then he heard the alien-angel chuckle behind his back and he quickly changed his mind. "Nah, I'll take his word for it."

The alien-angel growled again and Volt said, "And now you gotta go with him to fulfill the prophecy."

"Fuck you," Lloyd scowled.

The alien-angel let out a series of honks and Volt giggled, "Heh, good one… Oh yeah, he's not too thrilled about it either."

"See, I knew this was a bad idea," Lloyd retorted, folding his arms. "Sorry to fuck up your quest dude, but I'm not going."

"And if you don't go," Volt finished, "he'll destroy the base and kill everybody here."

Everyone was silent for a moment then Emil spoke up, "Alright, well have fun guys."

"Hey a quest sounds fun," Marta agreed. "Come on, Lloyd!"

"Uh, I think I'll stay here," Volt put in, "because I like that killing everybody option."

As the alien-angel led the Blues down the corridors towards the beach, carrying Volt in its claws, it gave an explanation of the route that it and Lloyd would be taking while Volt translated, "Then after we cross the Burning Plains of Honka Hill, we're gonna reach the Freezing Plains of Blarganthia."

"The Burning Plains are next to the Freezing Plains?" Genis asked. "I bet there are some pretty wet plains in between."

"This is so dumb," Lloyd moaned as they left the complex. "I'm not doing this."

"Hey, news flash, Irving. You don't have a choice," Emil reminded him. "You're the one who picked up the sword and locked it to yourself."

"I know!" Lloyd shouted. "And I'm so used to picking up things and not letting them get attached… I'm talking about women."

"I know, yes, I got it," Emil sighed.

"Don't worry, Lloyd," Marta reassured the teal/aqua soldier and patted him on the shoulder. "We're not gonna send you alone."

"You're coming with me, Lualdi?" Lloyd asked hopefully.

"Me?! Fuck that, I'm not going!" Marta replied. "This is the first thing you guys have done that actually sounds dangerous!"

"Well, I'm not going with Castagnier," Lloyd scowled, folding his arms. "That guy's a worse fighter than I am."

"Well, you're in luck then," Emil stated, "because, I'm not going either."

"What? Then who…" Lloyd's voice trailed as he looked over at Genis. Genis returned the look and went wide eyed. "No fucking way! I'm not going with him!" they both yelled at the same time.

"I'm going to get killed on this little trip. Unless someone here knows how to heal, I'm not going." Genis stated.

"Blargun," the alien-angel growled.

"He says he's a healer," Volt translated.

"Oh thank God," Genis said.

"Nah, not really," Volt confessed. "They eat their wounded."

"Just like chiropractors?" Genis replied.

Lloyd shook his head in disbelief as he turned to Emil. "This is a joke, right, you're sending me with Sage? What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me?" Emil cried. "I saw a chance to get rid of Sage for a while and I took it. There's nothing wrong with me."

Genis looked at each member of the team in turn. "Okay, so um, Lloyd is the fighter, uh, the alien-angel is the healer, and I am the powerful… and intelligent wizard, uh, Morphumax."

"What the hell does that make me?" Volt asked.

"You're the good looking and stealthy archer," Genis replied.

"A bow and arrow?" Volt snapped. "I don't have any arms, you freaking moron!"

"That's what makes you so stealthy." Genis said to the bomb. "This is going to be the best party ever."

Lloyd let out a sigh and covered his face with his hands. "I'm gonna fucking die."

"Yeah, I guess this is it, Irving," Emil chuckled. "Nice knowing you."

"Oh, you better hope that I don't die," Lloyd warned, "because if I do, you're the one taking care of my kids."

Emil did a double take. "You have kids?!"

"Heh, probably," Lloyd replied with a shrug.

* * *

Meanwhile at Blood Gulch, Luna was still firing her cannon at the Red Base while Sheena cheered her on.

"Yeah-ha, take that," she crowed as Luna took out one of the barriers on the roof. "Suck it, Blue- I mean Red! Suck it Blue- uh damn, Red! God, this is harder than I thought."

Below her, Zelos ran up next to Luna and stared at his former teammate in shock. "Hey Sheena, what the hell are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Sheena called down. "I'm attacking the Blue Base. I mean the Red Base, fuck!"

* * *

At the Red Base, Presea managed to get the doors closed and reported back to her leader who was still hiding in the cafeteria. "Defense is established, Sarge!"

Seconds later, there was a loud BOOM and the doors were blown off their hinges. Presea winced at the damage. "Cancel that. Defenses are destroyed."

* * *

Outside, Zelos shook his head. "Killing your own team, huh? That's cool," he muttered. "Hey listen, how long do you expect this whole crazy thing to last?"

"I'm not crazy, Zelos," Sheena yelled. "You just wouldn't listen to me when I said there was a tank."

"I listened to you," Zelos replied.

"You told Kratos that there wasn't a tank!" Sheena bellowed, pointing towards Luna. "There it is; it's a tank!"

"Oh, you said listen to you, not agree with you," Zelos smirked then he sighed. "Yeah, I thought that joke was pretty funny, but now Presea's my manager and everything kinda sucks now."

"Well, too bad," Sheena retorted, "because this is what you get now, you dumb Blue bitch- Red bitch, fuck, you know what I mean."

Luna fired another round that went through the doorway and Zelos then heard glass shattering and Kratos cry out, "Great sodium chloride, there goes my chemistry set!"

"I don't think killing Kratos is much of a punishment for me." Zelos stated. "Just come back to the Base, man. I'll let you boss me around again."

"I don't know," Sheena muttered suspiciously. "I think you're just telling me what I wanna hear."

"I am," Zelos replied. "See, it's just like old times! Come on, buddy."

Sheena thought for a moment. "Will you help me clean my armor off?"

Zelos pondered that for a bit. "How about I promise to help you clean it, but then just convince Presea to do it later?"

"Ha, good ol' Zelos," Sheena chuckled as she set off down the cliffs.

But as she reached the bottom, Kratos came out the Base and spotted her. "Sheena? Sheena Fujibayashi, is that you?"

"Yeah, Sarge," Sheena called back. "But don't worry, we got-"

"Fujibayashi," Kratos interrupted. "I can understand you going crazy and seeing imaginary tanks…"

"The tank is right there, for the love of God!" Sheena bellowed.

"And I can obviously understand why you'd wanna attack your own Base…"

"You can?" Sheena cried in shock.

"But painting yourself blue?" Kratos finished. "Dear God, woman, don't you have any shame at all?"

"Hey Sarge," Zelos called out. "You should also note that she missed a couple of spots."

"Wilder, what in the hell are you doing out here?" Kratos yelled out. "At least Fujibayashi has the intelligence to formulate a mutinous plan!"

"Thank you, Sir," Sheena yelled before remembering, "I mean, suck it Blue! God dammit, I mean Red!"

"But you're a slothful idiot," Kratos continued. "Treason takes effort. I never expected this from you."

"Oh, up yours," Zelos snapped.

"What was that?"

"Up yours, _Sir_!"

"That's better."


	5. Dysfunctional Alliance

Chapter 5

Dysfunctional Alliance

On the beach outside the complex, Lloyd, Genis and Volt were ready to follow the alien-angel on the quest.

"Well, good luck guys," Emil said. "Don't forget to change your underwear at least once a day. Irving, that goes double for you."

"What?" Lloyd cried out. "I'm the cleanest guy here."

"No, it goes double for you because now you're in charge of changing Sage now too."

"I hate you."

"Blorgh!"

"He doesn't wear any pants," Volt translated from the alien's hands.

"Yeah, we noticed," Lloyd sighed. "If we meet anybody on this adventure, that might have to change."

"Why? We're used to being naked," Volt shouted. "Free-balling, come on! Commando."

"Let me just put it this way," Lloyd muttered. "I felt less threatened when Lualdi was staring at just the sword."

"Huh, what?" Marta asked, looking up. "Oh uh… yeah, um… I was just admiring his… his alien… muscle structure."

"Yeah, one particular part of his muscle structure," Lloyd pressed.

"Well," Marta scoffed. "That's just a matter of penis- I mean uh, opinion, opinion, yeah that's it. That's what I meant." she blushed and hid her face.

"Smooth," Emil sighed, rolling his eyes.

Genis stared at the alien in horror. "Oh my God! You told me it was another arm!"

The alien let out a howl of mirth and Volt chuckled too. "Hey Sage, high five!"

"I don't want to do that anymore," Genis moaned nauseously.

"Irving, come here, I wanna talk to you for a second," Emil muttered as he took his teammate aside. "Listen, just drop off this weapon and get back to Blue Base as fast as you can."

"What if I have to kill stuff, dude?" Lloyd hissed nervously. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Hey now, Irving, I'm the same way," Emil comforted, patting his teammates shoulder. "That's why we get along so well. We're both just a couple of lovers."

It got awkwardly silent before Lloyd spoke up. "That sounded kinda gay, dude."

"Yeah, it did," Emil admitted sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Um, I feel obligated to say something encouraging as your boss."

"Our Captain died," Lloyd reminded him. "You're just the guy_ pretending_ to be my boss."

"Well, you know," Emil mumbled. "In our given situation, technically you could be seen as one of my employees."

"Except that I'm not."

"Oh, whatever," Emil snapped. "Listen I just… as, as someone in an employee/manager relationship-"

"Which doesn't exist," Lloyd interrupted.

Emil let out an irritated groan.

"Why did you pull me aside again?"

"You know I'm sure it was to say something encouraging or inspiring or something, but now, I just don't care."

"I'm gonna go man," Lloyd muttered.

He rejoined Genis, Volt and and the alien as they set off.

"Hey lady, come on, hustle up!" Volt called. "If you gotta use the bathroom, do it now because I'm not pulling over."

Emil watched them go then he turned to Marta. "You know, I have to say I'm a little surprised that you're not going with them."

"Why?" Marta asked. "Quests are dangerous."

"Yeah," Emil agreed as he looked back at his disappearing teammates. "But they usually have some kind of big reward at the end, you know like some big treasure chest or… an entire room filled with gold and art. It's not really like you to pass up on something like that, Marta."

Marta didn't reply. "Marta?" Emil asked again. "You're gone, aren't you?" He turned round and sure enough, Marta had also disappeared, leaving him alone on the beach. "I really should've seen that coming," he sighed.

* * *

Meanwhile, at Blood Gulch, Luna had fired at the Base again and in the confusion, Sheena hustled Zelos back to the Blue Base. Kratos watched the incident through the scope of his sniper rifle. "Well, this is a tough one," he muttered. "Fujibayashi appears to have captured Wilder, which means we're down a soldier and now that soldier has taken Wilder hostage! So does that make us even? What's one plus a turd? Oh dammit, only Wilder can screw up math."

* * *

At the Blue Base, Sheena escorted her 'prisoner' towards the main entrance. "Hurry up, Zelos."

"You know, Sheena, you don't make a very good hostage taker," Zelos said, stopping by the door. "My last prison experience was much cooler."

"What?" Sheena snapped.

"You haven't yelled at me one time," Zelos replied.

"You're doing everything right," Sheena explained. "I think yelling should be reserved for only the most critical of situations, like when someone drinks milk out of the carton!" she finished through gritted teeth.

"Come on, Sheena, I'm a prisoner," Zelos moaned. "You should be jabbing me in the back with you gun and saying 'Get moving scum!'"

"Get going!" Sheena yelled as she jabbed Zelos in the back with her sniper.

"Louder!" Zelos egged on.

"I said move!" Sheena jabbed him again.

"Yeah-ha-ha, that's it!"

"Move it soldier!" Sheena thrust her gun in harder.

"OW!" Zelos yelped. "Okay, seriously, that hurts!"

Sheena pushed Zelos into the Base and herded him into a long, blue-lit passageway.

"Man, these guys really like blue lights," Zelos muttered. "I mean, I know this is Blue Base and all, but come on. You don't have to beat us over the head with it."

"Get in the hole." Sheena commanded.

"You have a hole?" Zelos looked round and spotted a glowing blue hole built into the floor of the passage. He peered down with an admiring whistle. "Whoa, now that's cool. I take back everything I said; this is _much_ creepier than my last time in the joint."

"Move!" Sheena yelled, pushing Zelos in the back and almost making him stumble.

"Dude, if you keep doing that, this is gonna get old quick," Zelos sighed.

"I said in the hole!" Sheena screamed, smacking Zelos in the head.

"OW!" Zelos yelped then he lost his balance and fell right into the hole.

"Who's the bad hostage taker now, bitch?" Sheena yelled down after him.

"Um, I think I found a design flaw in your hole," Zelos said from behind her.

"What?" Sheena whirled round to see Zelos standing in front of another hole built opposite to the first hole. "Get back in there!"

She shoved Zelos back down the hole but he just shot out from the first hole behind her. "Woohoo! Look who's back."

"God this sucks," Sheena sighed as she looked between the two holes.

"Seriously, you have to try the hole," Zelos chuckled. "It's really fun."

"Ugh, what're you doing?" Sheena yelled as she pushed Zelos backwards into the hole. "Get back down in there!"

"Wheee!" Zelos yelled as he popped out from the other hole. "Look, I came out backwards this time!"

"You're supposed to- ARRRGGH!" Sheena growled. "You're the prisoner, stay down there!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Genis, Lloyd, Volt, and the alien-angel were still marching across the plains. The alien-angel led the way blarging and honking to the two humans while Volt, still carried by the creature, translated.

"Hey, he's been explaining to me everything we should encounter," Volt explained. "The legend's pretty old but the details are pretty clear."

"Listen dude, I don't care what you say," Lloyd muttered angrily. "I'm not killing any monsters."

"Hey, don't interrupt!" Volt snapped. "It's hard enough to translate without you-"

"Oh, well," Lloyd scowled as he stopped walking. "If this little quest depends on me killing stuff, we might as well stop here."

"Oh, don't be a chicken," the bomb retorted.

"I'm not chicken, I'm just…" Lloyd trailed off and sighed. "Okay, I'm chicken."

The alien-angel tilted his head to one side and looked down at Volt. "Blargh? Blar blarg."

"Blargy blarg, blarg, blarg honk," Volt replied.

"Whaarrrgh hnk!"

"What's he saying?" Lloyd asked.

"He wanted to know what a chicken was," Volt replied. "I told him it's this nasty little bird that humans eat, and you also eat the white things that shoot out of its butt."

Lloyd grimaced in disgust. "You know, you could have cleaned that up a little bit."

"I did!" Volt protested. "They don't come out of its butt, you know."

"Hargh!" the alien growled.

"Yeah," Volt chuckled. "They're pretty disgusting."

"Chickens aren't that bad," Lloyd argued.

"He was talking about you guys," Volt replied. "He's not a big fan and I'm not either. Symphonia sucks."

As they set off again, the alien-angel let out a honk of agreement.

"Symphonia doesn't suck, Symphonia rules," Lloyd scoffed. "We invented the telephone."

"Arg largh!" the alien-angel growled.

"He says they invented the telephone," Volt translated. "And they did it a thousand years before you did."

"Oh yeah?" Lloyd retorted. "Well, what'd they have to say on it, 'blarg blarg, honk honk'? Who the fuck wants to hear that?"

After another few miles, they made their way up a small ledge and the alien-angel held out a hand to halt the others. "Blarg honk."

"Okay," Volt said. "These are the Great Burning Plains we talked about."

Lloyd and Genis stared out at the plains before them. There were barely any features and here and there, the grass was scorched.

"They don't look burning… they look burnt," Genis murmured then he gasped. "Wait, I recognize this place."

"Get ready," Volt hissed to Lloyd. "He's gonna distract the monster, and you use your heroic powers to swoop in-"

"Heroic powers?" Lloyd interrupted.

"Yeah," Volt retorted. "You're the big hero from that prophecy, ain't cha?"

"Oh, right," Lloyd sighed as he drew out his swords and activated them. "Boy, are you guys gonna be disappointed."

"And don't forget," Volt added. "Go for the weak spot in the armor."

Lloyd nodded. "Yeah and… where was that again?"

"We already went over this!" Volt snapped.

"Apparently, paying attention to lame biology lessons isn't one of my superpowers," Lloyd scowled.

"Blarg," the alien-angel growled.

"Be quiet!" Volt translated.

"Argh!"

"Get down!"

The two Sylvaranti ducked behind the ledge as the alien-angel bowed his head and started growling to himself.

"He just wants a moment's peace before the plan fails and we all get killed," Volt translated.

"WHRRRRRRRRG!" the alien roared.

"Oh sorry, I wasn't supposed to translate that last part," Volt muttered. "Uh, he says, uh don't worry, everything will be fine… Stick to the plan."

"Okay," Genis gulped as he loaded a clip into his assault rifle. "Are we adding 'get killed' to the end of the plan?"

The alien-angel peeked over the ledge then he cried, "Blarg!" which Volt translated as "GO!"

With that, the team leapt over the ridge and landed in the middle of the plain, weapons drawn, ready to face…

Nothing.

"Wurg!" the alien-angel growled in alarm.

"What happened?" Volt translated.

"To what?" Lloyd asked.

"The big monster," Volt replied. "It's dead, look."

The alien-angel pointed to a large, long horned skull lying in the scorched dust.

"That thing?" Lloyd scoffed. "You gotta be kidding me."

"You guys were here already?" Volt cried out in disbelief.

"Yes," Genis replied. "Uh, before now."

"That's what already means, Sage," Lloyd sighed.

"Oh, then just yes."

"Wharg whar?" the alien-angel growled.

"You already killed the monster?" Volt translated.

"Dude, that's a cow skull," Lloyd replied nonchalantly. "I kill about ten of those things every time I eat lunch."

* * *

Meanwhile at Blood Gulch, Kratos stood on the roof of Red Base, spying on the Blue Base through the sniper's scope.

"How's it going, sir?" Presea called out as she made her way up the ramp.

Kratos lowered the sniper with a sigh and turned to face Presea. "Well, Fujibayashi has had Wilder prisoner in there for far too long. She's probably subjecting him to all manner of unbearable torture. I figure in a matter of hours, Wilder's spirit will be has broken as his body, unable to cope with the never ending stimulation of pain and horror…" Then he smiled. "But in answer to your question, things are fine! Could be a little warmer, but I can't complain."

"But Sarge, aren't you afraid that valuable information might be given away?" Presea asked.

"Why would Fujibayashi give Wilder information?" Kratos asked.

"No, I mean what if Zelos tells Sheena valuable information about our operations?" Presea then realized what she had just said. "Yeah, that sounded smarter before I said it."

"I bet," Kratos muttered.

"Speaking of operations though," Presea said, "remember how I told you I wanted to incorporate more positive reinforcement techniques in review sessions?"

"Presea, for the last time," Kratos groaned as he placed a hand over his face, "me calling you a worthless turd is not a review session!"

"And, remember how you said any proposals had to be submitted in hand-written triplicate, with no less than one hundred pages?"

"Yes, which would take weeks to-" Kratos trailed off then looked at Presea in surprise. "You're finished, aren't you?"

"Only if calligraphy's okay! And I dotted all the I's with hearts. Tee-hee-hee!"

Kratos let out an exasperated groan.

"Let me just give you a little teaser on some of the changes," Presea said, pulling out a page. "Think 'mauve'…"

"Uhhhh, Presea!" Kratos moaned, standing up.

"What, you don't like it?" Presea asked baffled. "Mauve is a form of red."

"No, it's not that," Kratos sighed. "I just realized that the only way out of this situation is to launch a rescue mission to save Wilder! I got one of those, uh…" He snapped his fingers as he thought of the word. "Presea, what's that fancy word for choosin' between two things you don't wanna do?"

Presea thought for a moment. "Uh… conundrum? Dilemma? A threesome with cheerleaders?"

"...I'm gonna go with conundrum."


	6. I Got the Blood Gulch Blues

Chapter 6

I Got the Blood Gulch Blues

After a long ponder over his 'conundrum', Kratos just decided to go ahead with rescuing Zelos, so he and Presea drove the Warthog to the other side of the canyon and were now hiding behind a large boulder outside the Blue Base. Kratos kept an eye out for trouble but Presea was still giving the ideas she'd written in her dossier.

"If you don't like the plants idea, how do ya feel about a fountain in the armory? That place is so _gloomy_."

"Come on, Presea, give it a rest already." Kratos groaned. "I agreed to let you use Wilder's weather helmet as a decorative birdbath, didn't I? Don't oversell."

"Okay." Presea conceded. "But I have just one more idea. I'm gonna say two words and then walk away." She cleared her throat and then said, "Chantilly, lace."

Kratos stared silently for a moment. "Unless you're about to start singing a Big Bopper song, I think the best part of that idea was the walking away."

"Let it simmer." Presea reassured.

Cautiously, Kratos peeked around the side of the rock and took another look round before ducking back. "Hmmm, no sign of any defenses… I think we might be catching Fujibayashi at a weak moment."

Presea nodded in agreement as she glanced around her side of the rock. "Hmmm, no sign of the tank either."

"Dear God, the madness is spreading!" Kratos gasped. "It's only a matter of time before it takes me!"

Just then, from the doorway of the Base came a loud cry. "Wheeeeeee!"

"Did you hear that?" Presea breathed. "It's sounds like they're having fun in there."

Kratos shook his head in dismay. "Clearly Wilder has become _so stupid_, he's mixed up the yells for pain and happiness! Fujibayashi must be doing _absolutely __**diabolical**_ things to him! Let's give him a few more hours to see if he escapes on his own."

He and Presea peeked round and waited for a few seconds then Zelos's voice rang out again. "Sheena, I am having a blast going in and out of your hole!"

"Zelos, just stay down there like you're told." Sheena yelled.

"Well, that's my cue." Presea said quickly and made to leave. "Let's go!"

Kratos grabbed her by the arm and dragged her from behind the boulder and into the Base, unaware of the cobalt-blue figure watching them from the hill…

* * *

Inside the Base, Sheena had grown tired of pushing Zelos into the holes but Zelos was now making his own fun, jumping into one hole, popping out the other hole and then running to the first one again.

"Zelos, stop it!" Sheena yelled impatiently. "I need your help."

"Go ahead, I'm listening." Zelos called as he leapt into the hole again.

"Will you stop riding that stupid grav lift?" Sheena scowled.

"I can do both at once." Zelos replied, emerging from the other hole. "And why don't we have one of these things?"

Sheena put out a hand and stopped Zelos in his tracks. "Listen, the tank's been making upgrades to the base over the last few hundred years."

"How did it do that without any tools... or arms?" Zelos asked puzzled.

"I don't know." Sheena admitted. "A lot of what she says doesn't match up. I think she might be lying to me."

"You think the enemy's weapons are _lying_ to us? _What a surprise_." Zelos muttered before turning round and jumping into the second hole.

"It seems like a setup." Sheena agreed as she turned to look down the passage. "I just can't figure out how."

Behind her, Kratos crept up to the hole and as Zelos popped out, he was knocked out with a punch to the face and fell back down again, this time not coming out the other side.

"I don't know." Sheena muttered. "If I can piece it together, maybe that'll help fix things with…" Her voice trailed off as she turned round and saw her former CO pointing a shotgun to her head. "Aurion!?"

"Hello, Fujibayashi." Kratos growled in an unfriendly manner.

Sheena looked around in worry. "Where's Zelos?"

"Well, this is a rescue operation." Kratos explained. "He's unconscious down below, being prepped for evac."

"If it's a rescue operation, why did you knock him out?" Sheena asked.

Kratos just shrugged. "Well, all work and no play, you know heh heh heh."

"That's dumb." Sheena scoffed.

"I think you know the proper procedure for submitting complaints, Sheena." Kratos said.

Sheena nodded with a sigh. "I'll get my calligraphy pens."

"Don't bother." Kratos snapped, cocking the shotgun and aiming right for Sheena's face. "I think you also know how we treat traitors on Red Team!"

If Sheena was panicking, she didn't show it and sarcastically said, "I'm guessing you're not cocking that gun to give me a one gun salute in honor of my new promotion."

"I don't think so." Kratos growled. "Fujibayashi, just remember this hurts me more than it hurts you."

"I seriously doubt that." Sheena sighed.

"Well, it hurts me almost as much as it hurts you." Kratos replied.

"I don't buy that either." Sheena muttered.

"Well, I _am_ the one who has to clean the shotgun later." Kratos argued. "And the solvents smell so-"

"BOOYA!" Suddenly Kratos was hit from behind and he collapsed to the ground with a groan.

"Damn, that's gotta hurt!" Sheena winced then she looked up to see who had rescued her.

"Well, that was close." Emil panted as he lowered the sniper rifle he'd used to knock out Kratos. "I've always wanted to say 'booya' too, that was awesome… Booyeah!"

"Where the hell did you come from?" Sheena cried out.

"Huh?" Emil looked round at the girl in blue armor standing before him, though he couldn't see her face due to her wearing a cover. "Oh, you must be one of the new Blues that took over the Base after we left." He put away his rifle and held up his hands to show he meant no harm. "Listen, don't be afraid, but I'm from the past."

"Why would I be afraid of someone from the _past_?" Sheena scoffed. "People from the _future_ are scary. People from the _past_ are savages and idiots."

Emil was about to take offense when Kratos suddenly let out another groan. "Ohhhh, what the…? What hit me?"

"Hurry, quick, before he wakes up." Sheena hissed, grabbing Kratos's arms. "Help me get this guy in the hole."

"We have a hole?" Emil looked round then peered down the hole with a whistle of admiration. "That's kickass!"

* * *

Meanwhile, several hundred miles away, Lloyd, Genis, Volt, and the alien-angel had left the Burning Plains and was now passing through some _very_ soggy plains indeed.

"Alright, this is the Great Swamp." Volt explained as the alien carried him. "We can rest here a while before we move on."

"Yeah, let's rest in a swamp." Lloyd agreed nonchalantly. "That makes sense."

"Save your energy, Irving." Volt advised. "You're gonna need it."

"Aw, screw that." Lloyd retorted with a dismissive wave. "So far, this quest is a fuckin' breeze. I've already killed a dead monster. What's next, we're gonna open an unlocked door, or rescue a princess from herself?"

The alien then turned to look at Genis and Volt noticed he was looking back the way they'd come. "Hey Sage, what's wrong?"

"I think something is following us." Genis whispered, reaching for his handgun.

Volt watched for a moment then he spotted movement among the mangroves. "Yeah, it's been on us since we left. Part of the prophecy talks about something _evil_ that tries to take the Eternal Sword."

"You mean my awesome dead monster killing weapon?" Lloyd took out one of his Material Blades then he shrugged. "It can have it."

"It's attracted to it." Volt continued. "It _can't_ live without it."

"That doesn't sound good." Lloyd muttered. "Hey Sage, come here and hold my swords."

"It's okay, we got a plan." Volt reassured. "We can make camp and then we'll tell ya about it."

"I _love_ camping!" Genis cheered as they set off again.

Sometime later, the group stopped in a clearing in the swamp and soon Lloyd was lying fast asleep, clutching the deactivated swords to his chest. Suddenly a loud rustling noise woke him up and he sat up in surprise. "Hmm, what?"

He then looked round and realized he was completely alone. "Hey, guys? Volt? Sage? Alien thing?"

The rustling grew louder and Lloyd whirled round in fright to see a dark shadowy figure approaching from the swamp. "Guys?" he whimpered pathetically. "Anybody?"

"Now!" Volt's voice called out.

The alien-angel suddenly burst out from the bushes behind Lloyd and pounced on the figure, sending them both tumbling into the mud.

"We got it!" Volt cheered.

Lloyd looked round and saw Genis peeking out from behind a tree. "Is it safe to come out yet?"

"Sage, you were _supposed_ to help." Volt scolded from the bushes.

"I was helping watch." Genis retorted as he picked up Volt and stepped out of the bushes.

"What if something had happened?" Volt yelled.

"I'm sure I would have seen it." Genis replied.

"Hey, what the hell?" Lloyd shouted as he got to his feet. "Where did you guys go?"

"We laid a trap." Volt said simply.

"A trap?" Lloyd cried out. "You left me all alone!"

Volt chuckled. "Well, you can't have a trap without bait!"

Lloyd was stunned. "I was the bait?"

"I thought you did a _very_ good job." Genis replied.

Just then, the alien emerged from the swamp, covered in mud and dragging the figure along with him. Then the figure cried, "Get _off_ of me, you stinky idiot!"

Lloyd whirled round at the familiar voice, he then pulled the alien off the figure and got a better look at the figure. "Lualdi?"

"Well, _this_ is some greeting." Marta scowled indignantly as she took Lloyd's hand to help her up. "I come to help you guys and ya _ambush_ me!"

"You weren't coming to help." Volt argued. "You were coming to steal the sword!"

"No I wasn't." Marta retorted, wiping the mud and slime off her armor. "I was coming to steal the reward."

"There _is_ no reward." the bomb yelled. "The reward is the sword."

"Oh." Marta replied, then added with a slightly embarrassed laugh. "Then… yeah, I guess I'm here to steal the sword."

"Hurn, blarr."

"Oh yeah, and also the salvation and emancipation of his species for all eternity." Volt translated.

Marta rubbed her chin in thought. "Tell you what, I'll go fifty-fifty. You keep the emancipation and I'll keep the sword."

"Honk!"

"Deal." Volt put in.

"What do I get?" Lloyd asked.

"You get to live. But no guarantees." Marta answered

"That's not a reward for _me_. That's a reward for all the fine ladies in the Universe."

"I'm a woman, and somehow… I don't feel any luckier."

"I said _fine_ ladies." Lloyd scowled and was slapped across the face.

"What do you want, Genis?" Volt asked.

"I want a pony."

* * *

Meanwhile in Blood Gulch, Emil struggled to drag the unconscious Kratos down the passage. "Man, Aurion is fricking heavy." he grunted to himself. "Hey, blue girl, where'd you go? I need your help."

* * *

Outside, Sheena heard the shouts then turned to the nervous pink private standing next to the out-cold Zelos. "Listen Presea." he whispered. "Castagnier thinks I'm a Blue, so whatever you do just pretend like you don't know me."

"I _don't_ know you." Presea muttered.

"Yeah, just like that." Sheena nodded. "Good job."

"No, I'm serious." Presea insisted. "I have _no idea_ who you are."

At that moment, Emil emerged from the Base, still dragging Kratos.

"Okay, stop practicing." Sheena hissed. "Here he comes."

"So does that mean you're _not_ going to tell me who you are?" Presea asked.

"Okay, that's a little too far." Sheena sighed. "No one's gonna buy that."

Just then, Emil reached them and lowered Kratos down. "Phew." he panted as he glared at Sheena. "You know, I could have used your help. Thanks."

Sheena raised her assault rifle at Presea and said in a strange Kermit the Frog-ish voice, "I was just securing this girl, which is interesting considering that I have never met her before."

"Why is it interesting?" Emil asked.

"Um, I don't know." Sheena replied.

"Is something wrong with your voice?" Emil asked.

"Oh." Sheena coughed and then said in her normal voice, "I was just disguising it so the prisoner wouldn't think he knew me."

"What?" Presea cried out.

"But he doesn't." Sheena reassured. "Do you, prisoner?"

"Uh, no." Presea whimpered.

"Right." Sheena agreed, adding in a whisper, "Good job, Presea."

"Wait, is this some really weird form of torture?" Presea asked.

Emil ignored Presea as he thought about what the 'blue girl' said then he shrugged. "Well, okay. Help me load these guys in the jeep before they wake up."

"Okay." Sheena said with a salute then she whispered, "Presea, grab the ankles."

"Okie-dokie." Presea murmured and she quickly obeyed. "How's this?"

"_Aurion__'s_ ankles, Presea." Sheena hissed irritably.

* * *

Meanwhile, some distance away, Lloyd, Genis, Marta, Volt, and the alien-angel had left the Great Swamp and were now making their way through a long tunnel in the mountains.

"Step it up guys, we're almost there." Volt called back as the alien-angel led the way.

At the back, Lloyd looked at Marta and Genis with worry. "I'm telling you, the alien has really been creepin' me out lately." he told them quietly. "Every time I wake up, he's hovering over me. It's really weird."

"I'm sure he's just safeguarding his swords- I mean, my swords." Marta reasoned.

"Maybe he just wants to steal your breath." Genis added.

"Maybe he's trying to figure out what I taste like." Lloyd said with a shudder.

"Hurry up, ya idiots!" Volt called out from the tunnel exit.

Genis and Marta ran on ahead but as Lloyd made to follow them, he suddenly felt a pain in his stomach, but he quickly dismissed it as hunger pangs which made sense since they hadn't brought any food with them. As he approached the others, he shivered again. "Man, did it get a lot colder all of a sudden?"

"Of course it did." Volt replied. "They don't call it the Great Freezing Plains for nothing."

Lloyd came out the tunnel next to Genis and gasped in amazement. "Whoa…"

They were standing on a ledge overlooking a vast snowy area that reminded everyone of Flanoir Island, and there, clinging to the side of a mountain like a great crouching beast was a huge building surrounded by some very tough-looking walls.

"Damn it's cold. I wish I had my weather helmet. I'm just glad I brought my gloves." Genis said, shivering.

"The snow is the least of our problems." Marta murmured, peering at the scene through her binoculars.

"Why?" Lloyd asked.

"I assume we have to get into that big temple base thing?" Marta guessed.

"Yeah." Volt replied.

"Well…" Marta handed Lloyd her binoculars and he could see several figures, some red and some blue, marching along the sides. "It's got about two dozen _guards_ on its walls."

"Oh no." Genis gasped.

"Yep." Marta agreed. "It doesn't look good."

"No no no." Genis said. "I mean I lost one of my gloves. Um, we have to go back."

"Sage, we've been walking for days." Lloyd snapped. "We're not going back for anything."

"Any suggestions, Volt?" Marta asked.

"Hmmm." Volt muttered. "I say we let Irving storm in and take them out in a mad rush, and while _he's_ got them distracted, we finish the quest."

Lloyd gulped in fear. "On uh second thought, personal warmth is very important. Let's go get that mitten! It'll be like a mini-quest."

"I think _surprise_ is the key." Marta decided, putting a silencer on her handgun.

"What ya thinking?" Volt asked.

"Let me take them out, one by one." Marta explained. "They will _never_ know what hit them."

"You think you can kill them all without alerting the others?"

"Just watch me." Marta replied with a sly smile. She then pressed a button on her wrist, turning her invisible, and darted down quickly and quietly.

"How can I watch ya?" Volt snorted. "You just turned invisible."

"And yet I was still able to check out her ass." Lloyd put in smoothly. "That's why I'm a pro."

* * *

Back at Blood Gulch, Sheena drove the Warthog back towards the Red Base while Emil sat in the back with the unconscious Zelos and Kratos, and Presea riding on the back, hanging on. Soon they stopped twenty feet from the Base and while Sheena unloaded her former comrades, Emil took the pink private aside for a quick negotiation.

"Okay Presea." the Blue leader said. "Wait until we're gone and then you can wake 'em up."

"Well, what do I tell them?" Presea asked.

"I don't care." Emil replied with a shrug. "Tell 'em you busted in and rescued them. Get yourself a medal, you deserve it."

Presea chuckled at the idea. "I always _did_ want to be a hero, and a liar."

"Well then, it's your lucky day." Emil laughed.

"Don't you want anything?"

"Like what?"

"Well, every time someone surrenders, they take something, like when we took the medic and you guys took Zelos's dignity."

"Yeah, like _that_ ever existed." Sheena scoffed before correcting herself. "Uh I mean, which one is Zelos? Is he the yellow one?"

"And this time you guys don't want anything?" Presea asked.

"Well, technically, you're not surrendering." Emil replied. "This is what we call in the Military a 'total asskicking'." He made air quotes around the last two words. "Oh, and also, we're taking your car."

"What?" Presea cried out. "You're leaving us out here, without any transportation? We'll _die_!"

"Die of what?" Emil asked bemused.

"_Exposure!_ We're stranded!" she yelled.

"Your Base is right there." Emil said, pointing over the pink private's shoulder.

"This is murder!'

"I can see it."

"You may as well just feed us to the buzzards right now."

"You could have walked back to the Base in the time we've been discussing this."

"Go." Presea snapped, turning away and folding her arms. "Just sign our death warrants."

Emil was starting to lose his patience when he suddenly heard Kratos groan behind him, "Ohhh, what's goin' on?"

"Hey, take care of that guy." Emil commanded his 'new teammate'.

Sheena nodded and knelt next to Kratos. "Sorry about this, Aurion."she whispered with a smile as she slowly raised her fist. "But look at it this way, you were right; this _does_ hurt you more than me."

Kratos looked up at this. "Is that you, Fuji-" But he got no further as Sheena punched him in the face. "Ohh, knocked out again."

* * *

_**Ok to anyone that cares I am so sorry it took me over a damn month to update this story. I had to replace my laptop's HDD and update it, get security, all of that, and that was expensive as hell! But I'm back, and so is RVB: Symphonian Stories. I'll try to update this as much as possible, I have a serious schedule now that kinda limits me to my computer. Anyway, you know the drill, review it, tell me what you think. NO FLAMES! Constructive criticism is accepted. Compliments are also accepted. Hasta luego, cockbites!**_


	7. Still Alive?

Chapter 7

Still Alive?

Lloyd, Genis, Volt, and the alien waited near the cave for Marta to make her move on the guards occupying the base just ahead of them. As the winds picked up, Lloyd could hear familiar voices being blown up from the temple:

"Hey Reds! We're guarding the shit out of this wall. You suck!"

"Your wall's easy to guard, try ours."

"You don't even have a roof up there, you suck! What're you guarding it from, birds?"

"You suck!"

"You suck!"

"You suck!"

"You suck!"

"You suck!"

"You suck!"

"You suck!"

"You suck!"

"No _you do!_"

"We suck! No, you suck!"

"Okay, never mind."

"You suck!"

"Oh, _those_ guys?" Lloyd groaned as he recognized the figures as the soldiers from the creek. "How did _they_ get here?"

"Shut up." Genis hissed. "Lualdi told us to be quiet."

"Sage, we're three hundred yards away." Lloyd sighed. "I don't think they heard us."

"I think I heard something." a Red soldier called out.

Lloyd glanced at the wall nervously. "I'm sure that was just a coincidence."

The alien then let out a low growl and pointed at the temple. Lloyd and Genis looked round and spotted an uncloaked Marta sneaking along the wall towards three of the guards, two Blue and one Red.

"Alright." Volt whispered. "After she takes those three out one by one, we probably stand a chance."

Just then, Marta pounced on the nearest Blue guard and started beating the living hell out of him.

"Ow, what the fuck!" the Blue screamed. "That hurt, ow! _Stop it!_"

"Or maybe not." Volt finished grimly.

"Uh oh." Lloyd gasped as he realized how close Marta was to the other two guards.

But neither of them seemed to notice their colleague/rival getting pounded.

"So, did you watch the game last night?" the Blue guard sighed.

"Yeah." the Red replied. "Go Red."

"Fuck that." the Blue retorted. "Red sucks."

"Now you're shooting me!" the first Blue yelled as Marta fired her handgunl at him repeatedly. "Give me a break, this sucks! What the fuck did I ever do to you? COME ONNNN!"

"What the fuck?" Lloyd cried out. "Are they deaf?"

In answer, a sniper bullet whizzed past his shoulder, making him flinch. "Oh right, _that_ you heard?"

Lloyd and Genis moved up, taking cover and firing their guns at the soldiers.

Marta flung a plasma grenade at a nearby turret, blowing the Blue soldier in charge back.

"Huh?" The other soldiers whirled round as Marta snatched up the dead soldier's handgun, pulled her own out, and turned towards them with a smile.

"Hiya, fellas." she beamed as she held a gun in each hand. "Who's next?"

The soldiers glanced at each other then ran straight at her. "CHAAARRRGE!"

Marta quickly dashed into the middle of the guards, skillfully flipping and shooting at the same time, not missing a mark. One Red soldier came at her with a knife, but she quickly blocked it with one of her guns and moved behind him and snapped his neck. After disposing of the rest of the guards, she twirled her guns around, and put them at her sides.

"_That_ went well." Lloyd sighed as he led the others down the mountain towards the temple. "So much for a sneak attack."

* * *

Meanwhile at Blood Gulch, Kratos and Zelos had woken up to find themselves back at the Red Base and Presea quickly went through the elaborate tall tale she'd thought up while they were unconscious.

"…And that's how I rescued you both and saved the day, the end." Presea finished. "Any questions?"

Zelos scratched his head in bemusement. "Presea, that was the longest story I have ever heard, and I don't think I believed a word of it."

Kratos nodded in agreement. "And quite frankly, I found the show tune in the middle to be a little over the top."

"Every word is _absolutely true_." Presea reassured. "It was the best military operation that you two ever slept through."

"If everything went so well, then where's our jeep?" Zelos pointed out.

"Well, I have a song I'd like to sing about that." Presea offered.

"Forget it." Zelos and Kratos quickly said.

* * *

At that moment, at Blue Base, Emil was watching the Reds through the sniper scope and giving his 'new teammate' a run-through of what they were up against.

"Okay, the tall guy with the red armor? That's Kratos Aurion." Emil explained. "He's their leader, which is lucky for us because… well he's not that good of a leader."

"Okay." Sheena nodded in false understanding.

"And the one next to him is Presea Combatir." Emil continued. "I like Presea, she's pretty harmless. I don't think she'd hurt a fly."

"Yeah." Sheena agreed. "Plus she's a little…"

"A little what?" Emil asked curiously.

"Oh you know."

"No, I-I don't know."

"You know." Sheena coaxed. "She's kinda in to, girly-girl stuff... you know, like feelings."

Emil frowned at her. "Uh, I think you might be… projecting there."

"I'm not projecting." Sheena argued. "I'm just stating an observation."

"I don't know, man." Emil replied slowly. "You seem pretty defensive for somebody who's not projecting."

"Her armor and hair are pink." Sheena pointed out.

"Pink?" Emil repeated. "I wouldn't say pink, maybe… you know, slightly less red, but-"

"It's pink, trust me." Sheena interrupted. "I know pink when I see it."

"Yeah, I bet you do." Emil muttered suspiciously. "You wanna talk about it?"

"No." Sheena growled.

Emil shrugged and returned to the introductions. "And last is the guy in orange, that's Zelos Wilder. He's really lazy and really annoying."

"Yeah." Sheena agreed silently.

"But at least he's smart." Emil continued. "In fact, I think he might be the smartest one of the bunch."

"You mean smarter than all of the ones there now." Sheena chuckled.

"No, I mean all of them put together, man." Emil argued. "There's this other chick, who hangs around, in maroon armor. I haven't seen her in a while but she's a freaking know-it-all. She _acts_ like she's smart, but she's really not."

Sheena's laughter cut off then. "What?"

"Yeah." Emil replied. "She walks around like she owns the place and he, you know, but nobody listens to her and they always make fun of her behind her back."

Sheena stared in stunned silence. "What do they say?"

Emil gave a shrug. "Oh, just how she's not good at stuff, and how she's dumb, and how the stuff she likes is dumb, and also that, you know, she's not as attractive as other people are."

Sheena let out a loud sniff. "Man, she sounds like a real bitch…"

Then she gave a loud sob and ran towards the Blue Base.

"Hey, where are you going?" Emil called out.

"I have to use the bathroom." Sheena bawled back.

"Well, hurry up." Emil shouted. "I wanna finish your orientation before you have to make me dinner."

At that moment, Luna drove up, watching the blue-painted soldier run off before turning her turret to look at the smiling Emil. "You do know that's Sheena, right?"

"Oh yeah." he said. Smiling, he turned to look at the two vehicles he had taken from the Reds, the Warthog and Presea's hoverbike.

"Look at this, Luna." he breathed to the tank. "This is a thing of beauty, what I have here. I am amazed."

"Whatever." Luna sighed.

"We have got every single vehicle in this canyon." Emil chuckled. "We are unstoppable. This is- I have my own fleet. I have my own fleet of cars!"

"Three vehicles and only one guy to drive them." Luna muttered. "Big deal."

"No, the _important_ thing is that they don't have any vehicles to…" Emil trailed off and turned to face Luna. "Hey, is there a problem here?"

"Problem?" Luna asked in the manner of a cross housewife. "Why would there be a problem?"

"Uh, I don't know." Emil replied with an unsure shrug. "You just seem, uh you know, agitated."

Luna turned her turret at him. "You think I'm agitated."

"Well, I didn't mean, uh," Emil stammered. "I-I didn't uh-"

"No, it was your word." Luna interrupted. "Agitated… You said 'You sure seem agitated, Luna.' So I guess this means I'm agitated. Don't I _seem_ agitated, Emil?"

Emil took a nervous step back. "I'm- I'm just saying you seem a little… upset."

"Oh, so now I'm _upset_." Luna snapped, rolling closer to him. "Which is it, Emil? Am I agitated or upset?"

"I don't- I mean I don't really... I-I could get a dictionary."

"Why would I be upset?" Luna demanded.

Emil gulped, frightened that if he wasn't too careful, he was about to lose another good body. "Uh, I don't-"

"Well would you be upset if I got a bunch more Blue guys to come hang around and help me?"

"Well, actually." Emil muttered, rubbing the back of his neck, "there are… three other guys on the squad."

"Exactly." the tank said. "This isn't a parking lot, Emil. It's a team, a family. Are we just supposed to _forget_ everything we've been through?"

"Right...like the time you killed me." Emil pointed out.

"How about if I suddenly decided I wasn't the Blue Team's tank?" Luna argued. "What if today I'm feeling just a little bit Red?"

"They're just cars, Luna." Emil insisted.

"I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that." Luna grunted.

Emil stepped closer to the cabin. "Hey, is there like a… jealousy setting somewhere on you that I can, you know, turn off?"

Luna rolled a few feet away from him. "Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?"

* * *

bACK in the Freezing Plains, Marta was clearing away the last of the guards so the alien-angel led Genis and Lloyd along the side of the walls. As Lloyd followed his teammate, he felt another pain in his stomach, this one stronger than the last, but before he could dwell on the matter, he heard the alien-angel calling out and he rejoined the others by a holographic lock next to a massive door.

"Irving, use the key and open the gate!" Volt yelled.

"Key? What key?" Lloyd asked. "I don't have a key!"

"Wharrh!" the alien-angel roared.

"Your sword!" Volt translated. "Use the Eternal Sword!"

"Oh God, the sword is a _key?_" Lloyd cried out as he activated the swords and slapped them together, making the giant purple sword. "Just when I thought this couldn't get any lamer…"

He thrust the sword into the lock and gave it a twist. At once the door slid slowly open… to reveal a strange plane-like vehicle, big enough for one being to fly it.

"What is that thing?" Lloyd asked in amazement.

Suddenly the alien-angel dropped Volt into the snow and ran towards the vehicle, blarging all the way.

"The ship!?" Volt cried out. "What ship? _No-one told me about a ship!_"

But the alien-angel gave no reply as he leapt into the ship, switched it on, took to the air and flew off towards the mountains.

"Hey, come back here, ya stink-nugget!" Volt yelled.

At that moment, Marta showed up, staring at the ship in stunned silence. "Hey, what's that thing!?" she called out. "Where's he going?"

"I don't know!" Volt shouted. "He just kept saying 'There it is, there it is!'"

Marta yelled at the bomb. "I thought you said there was no reward at the end of the quest!"

"I didn't know!" Volt protested.

"If you're pissed about that." Lloyd said, "wait until you find out that this sword is really a key."

"A what?" Marta screamed. "_Volt…_"

"Hey, don't blame me." Volt argued. "I'm just the translator!"

Genis however was staring up in the sky. "Um, I think the alien is coming back."

Marta and Lloyd looked up and saw that the alien-angel had turned the ship round and was now facing them… and a large blaster was now pointed at them.

"Uh oh." Lloyd gulped.

"Bad alien, go away!" Genis yelled out.

"Get down!" Marta shouted as she pushed the two down into the snow… just as, behind them, a lone red soldier raised his gun towards them.

"What?" he cried as he looked up. "Uh oh…"

Seconds later, the blaster fired and the Red guy was thrown back into the wall by the explosion and slumped to the ground.

Genis lifted his head and looked round. "Ohhh, he wasn't coming to kill us, he was saving us." He looked up and gave the alien-angel a grateful nod. "That's a good alien."

"Well, a deal's a deal, he owes _me_ that ship." Marta sighed as she got up and dusted the snow off her armor. "Volt, tell him to bring that thing down here and-"

But before she could finish, a rocket suddenly slammed into the ship's side and the alien-angel let out a roar of dismay before his vehicle crashed back down by the temple, killing him on impact.

"You still want me to tell him?" Volt murmured. "Because, I think it's down already."

"That takes care of him." they heard a voice call out.

All of them looked up, and recognized a figure standing on a high wall, holding a smoking RPG in his hands. Dark red hair, snow-white armor. Marta knew the figure all too well. "Sybak?!"

"Luin!" the bounty hunter yelled.

"Palmacosta!" Genis put in.

"They're not playing a game, Sage." Lloyd scowled.

"Well, if they were, I would have totally won." Genis muttered sulkily.

"Well, it appears I've spoiled your little game." Sybak called down. "So sorry!"

"That was my ship!" Marta snapped.

"Oh." the bounty hunter chortled. "Then I stand corrected: I'm _not_ sorry."

Marta clenched her fist in anger. "You're gonna pay for that."

"All out of change at the moment." Sybak replied. "Get you next time!" And he leapt over the wall and ran off.

"Get back here!" Marta yelled as she ran off after him.

Lloyd watched her go then he stood up and wiped the snow off his armor. "Huh, that didn't go quite the way I expected." he muttered. "You think we should wait for her to come back, or finish the quest on our own? Or just go home…"

Right on cue, a trumpeting noise came up, followed by some shouts. "Charge!"

"Yeah, let's go home." Lloyd decided.

Genis nodded in agreement, grabbed Volt and they all ran back the way they'd come, putting an end to their long, dreary quest.

Back at the Blue Base in Blood Gulch, Emil decided to give Luna some space and made his way down the passages just as Sheena came out of the bathroom. "You okay there, blue girl?"

"I'm fine." Sheena sniffed, placing a hand over her face so Emil couldn't see the tear stains below her eyes. "I-I told you it's just allergies."

"Oh yeah?" Emil replied, folding his arms. "You know, I never heard someone say 'boo hoo hoo' when they sneezed."

"I'm fine." Sheena repeated through gritted teeth.

"Good." Emil said. "Well then, now I can give you your duties. Um, first of all, that jeep out there is really dirty and I think that-"

"What?" Sheena cried out. "Why are you giving me orders?"

"Uh, because that's the way the Blue Team works." Emil replied as if it was obvious.

"Technically, _you're_ the new guy." Sheena argued. "I should be telling _you_ what to do."

"Uh, I don't think so, lady." Emil retorted. "You see, back in the day, the way this worked was Command would call _me_ and give _me_ the orders and then I would pass them along to everybody else."

Sheena stared at him in disbelief and Emil sighed. "Okay, it works like this…"

He switched on his radio earpiece and set it to long-distance to demonstrate. "I would get on my radio like this and I'd say uh, 'Come in, Blue Command, come in, this is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read me?' and then normally this really annoying guy would come back and he would say-"

"Hello, hello, come in, hello."

"Wow, that was a pretty good impression." Sheena gasped in amazement. "Can you do Arnold Schwarzenegger? 'Ah'll be bahck.'"

"That wasn't me." Emil muttered then he got back on the radio. "Uh, hello?"

"Hello, come in Blood Gulch, can you hear me?" the voice on the radio replied. "Hello, try the veal, hello."

"What?" Emil gasped. "B-Botta, is that you? It's been eight hundred years, how have you survived so long?"

"No, no, hey dude, Botta's dead." the voice replied. "This is Botta's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson, Botta Junior."

"Asta la vista, baby!" Sheena continued her Arnie impersonations.

"Shut up, dude, I'm on the radio." Emil hissed before turning back to his radio. "And you-you work with Blue Command?"

"Oh-ho-ho-ho, right dude." Botta Jr. chuckled. "Good one, dude. Heh, 'Blue Command.' _Wink!_"

"Wait a minute, what does that mean?" Emil cried out. "Does- Is the war over? Did we win?"

Botta Jr. let out a sigh. "Dude, I got a lot to catch you up on."


	8. Calling in Sick

Chapter 8

Calling in Sick

At the Red Base, Zelos left Presea to guard the entrance and made his way down to the flag room where Kratos was waiting for him. "You wanted to see me, Sarge?"

"Yes, Wilder." the Red leader replied with a solemn nod. "I think it's time we buried the hatchet and started working more closely together."

"Say what?" Zelos cried out. "Isn't that like a sign of the apocalypse or something?" He looked out through the broken skylight to check that the sky wasn't falling.

"As you know." Kratos continued, "I've _never_ liked you, not even a little bit."

"Really." Zelos muttered.

"You've always been lazy, insubordinate and I suspected when I met you that underneath that weather helmet, you were ugly to boot!"

"No argument there."

"Over the years, I've been so disappointed in your work I've slowly stopped giving you things to do. Most days, I forgot you even existed."

"Yeah, it's been a good run."

"But I think we all need to realize that Fujibayashi is not coming back. Red Team is just gonna have to make due with the few worthless soldiers we have left."

"Wait, didn't this start out as a pep talk?"

"We may never know why she left…"

"Yeah." Zelos muttered. "Maybe she was overwhelmed by all the positive reinforcement you give out."

"But the fact of the matter is we're at war!" Kratos yelled. "If we're gonna win this thing, we need to work together! We need to put aside our _disgusting_ laziness and our constant attempts to kill each other in our sleep."

"I've never tried to kill you in your sleep." Zelos said.

"Dammit Wilder, this is a compromise." Kratos snapped. "I realize I'm gonna have to give up some things as well."

* * *

Presea was standing watch on the roof, looking over her gun when she spotted a figure coming towards the base. As soon as it got close enough, she made out a person. The same soldier that had knocked Kratos out and taken their jeep. What she still didn't realize, the figure was Sheena.

"Halt!" she yelled out, holding her gun at Sheena. "Who goes there?"

"Presea, it's me." Sheena shouted.

"Oh right, you." Presea scowled. "What do _you_ want?"

"I wanna talk to Kratos, I just found out some info about-" Sheena stopped. "Wait, why am I answering your questions?"

She stepped forward but Presea pointed her pistol up. "I said hold it!"

"What's your problem, Presea?" Sheena asked.

"Sarge told me not to let anyone in the base." Presea replied. "And I'm pretty sure 'anyone' includes the enemy."

"I'm not the enemy." Sheena insisted.

"Oh please, you're dressed in blue!" Presea pointed out. "FYI, there's kind of a theme around here. You're blue and I'm red."

"More like pink." Sheena sniggered.

"I have a gun!" Presea yelled with her finger on the trigger.

"Okay, okay." Sheena raised her hands to show she meant no harm. "I only dressed like this to trick the Blues."

"You _helped_ the Blues." Presea argued.

"And fooled them." Sheena countered.

"You knocked Sarge out, twice!"

"Once again Presea, to fool the Blues… and to work out some unresolved issues with father figures, but look, just go ask Kratos, he knows it's me. Hell, even _Zelos_ knows it's me."

"Oh sure." Presea scoffed. "Everyone knows who you are but me."

"No." Sheena argued. "The Blues don't know either."

* * *

"Hey Luna, where'd that Sheena chick go that was spying on us?" Emil asked

"I don't know." Luna retorted. "Why don't you go ask your new jeep?"

* * *

Kratos came out onto the roof behind Presea. "What's all this racket?"

"There's an enemy trying to get into the Base." Presea reported.

Kratos looked up. "Where?"

"Right there." Presea said, pointing at Sheena.

Kratos looked around. "Where, behind Fujibayashi?"

"She means me, Sir." Sheena sighed, removing her face cover.

Presea looked at Sheena, then at Kratos, then back at Sheena and realization finally hit home. "Oh Sheena?! Why didn't you tell me it was you?"

"Presea, I _did_ tell you it was me." Sheena scowled.

"Well, you didn't _say_ it was you." Presea replied. "You just kept saying 'I'm me.'"

"I _am_ me." Sheena yelled.

"But you didn't say you were you." Presea argued. "If you had said you were you instead of 'I'm me', I would have known that you were you. You just kept saying you were me."

"That's because I'M ME!" Sheena screamed.

"And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club." Zelos called out as he joined Kratos and Presea on the roof. "Same time next week, everybody."

"Well." Sheena sighed. "Now that we have that straightened out, I have some important information."

"I don't want to hear it, _Blue_." Kratos retorted.

"What?" Sheena cried. "This is valuable information about the war."

"There's no such thing as valuable information from a _traitor_!" Kratos snapped.

"But Sir." Sheena insisted. "I only did that because no one would believe me about the tank."

"Sarge, Sheena has issues with her father that she displaces on you." Presea put in.

"No _Presea_, that's why I punched him in the face." Sheena groaned. "I left the Base because I wasn't fulfilling my undying need to please other people."

"Alright, enough." Kratos yelled. "The next person who tells me about Sheena's feelings is getting court-martialed."

"Sheena likes to go in the bathroom and cry while she punches the mirror." Zelos cut in. "Well, I'll go pack my bags." He turned to leave. "Nice working with you guys. Good luck with the Blues. It's been real."

* * *

Over at Blue base, Emil sat outside after giving up looking for Sheena. He spotted two figures approaching from the canyon wall. He recognized them as Lloyd and Genis, who was carring Volt in his arms.

"Oh look who's back, the conquering heroes." he called out as they approached. "What's up, guys?"

"Meh." Lloyd muttered as he clutched his stomach.

"Hey, where's Lu?"

"Gone."

"Where's the alien?"

"Dead."

"Well, how'd the quest go?"

"Failed."

"Yeah, you know." Emil muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. "I probably didn't even have to ask that last question, did I?"

"Eh, I wouldn't say 'failed'." Volt argued. "But these guys definitely screwed it up royally."

"What?" Lloyd cried out. "We didn't do anything!"

"_Exactly_." Volt retorted. "You let Lu do all the work and got the alien killed."

"Yeah, but doing nothing is what we do." Lloyd argued. "So technically, we didn't screw anything up."

"It's true." Genis sighed regrettably. "I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing. It's the same ribbon as last place. It's purple."

"Well, is she okay?" Emil asked.

"She's fine." Lloyd replied dismissively. "None of us are _that_ lucky. She chased after Sybak."

"Lu?" Emil gasped.

"Yeah."

"_Sybak_?!"

"Yes."

"Asgard." Genis added.

"Seriously, stop it." Lloyd growled.

"Dude, why didn't you tell me this?" Emil yelled.

"Tell you when?" Lloyd replied. "We just _got_ here."

"Yeah," Emil scowled. "But you've been wasting my time gabbing about your stupid failed quest."

"Eh, I really wouldn't say 'failed' here." Andy started.

"Oh, this conversation's stupid, and I'm hungry." Lloyd groaned. "Where's the food?"

Emil let out an angry sigh. "Listen, any time you have new information for me, just tell it to me as quickly as possible, okay?"

"Well," Lloyd yelled as he headed towards the Base. "Here's one short, blanket statement that covers all future situations: We, suck!"

"I said _new_ information!" Emil shouted.

Lloyd waved it off with a slight moan. "Don't we have anything to eat in this place?"

* * *

Barely a few hours after his the Blue team's reunion, Lloyd had become extremely sick. Emil and Genis heard loud retching noises and found him puking like nothing they had ever seen, holding his stomach in pain and moaning like a castrated sheep. Genis cleaned up the puke, and Emil led his aqua-clad teammate into his sleeping quarters. About 10 minutes later, Emil and Genis were sitting just outside the door of the base, with Lloyd still groaning.

"Man, he sounds _terrible_," Emil muttered worryingly.

"Yeah," Genis agreed. "He's been like that since the swamp."

"You guys were in a swamp?" Emil asked.

"Yeah," Genis replied nervously. "It was dark and swampy. I wasn't scared at all."

"Is this why you guys came home so fast?"

"No, we came home because the alien died and because the Eternal Sword turned out to be just a glowing key."

"Yeah, a glowing key that can still _stab_ people," Emil pointed out.

"Right," Genis confirmed.

"So it _is_ a sword. It just happens to function like a key in very specific situations."

"Or, it's a key all the time and when you stick it in people, it unlocks their death."

Emil let out a sigh. "God damn, man, I would love to live in your world for about ten minutes."

"Yeah," Genis laughed. "I have a really good time."

"Yeah, it seems like it," Emil chuckled. "You know, I don't think I'd get anything done, but I probably wouldn't care that much."

Just then, Lloyd let out another loud groan.

"Hey Lloyd, you okay?" Emil called out.

"Ohh, why don't you guys come in here?" Lloyd wailed.

"Uh, because it might be contagious," Emil shouted, "and, uh, because we've got to think about the health of the unit as a whole." He sighed in relief. "I came up with that pretty fast."

"And because you threw up ten minutes ago," Genis added. "And that's just gross!"

Emil suddenly had a thought. "Hey, wait a second; you don't think that sword-"

"You mean the key," Genis corrected.

"No, I mean the sword," Emil insisted. "You don't suppose that sword is making him sick, do you?"

"I don't see how," Genis replied with a shrug. "It hasn't sneezed once."

"We don't know anything about it though," Emil recalled. "Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him."

"Or, maybe it runs on _solar power_," Genis added.

"Wait, why would solar power make him sick?" Emil asked.

Genis shrugged again. "Is he Republican?"

* * *

Meanwhile at the Red Base, Kratos had reentered the building and left Zelos and Presea keeping an eye on Sheena so she wouldn't enter the Base.

"Okay listen, guys," Sheena called up. "Do you want important information about the war or don't you?"

"I don't know man," Zelos replied. "This is a pretty exclusive club we've got here. If we let _one_ Blue in, we might have to let the _next_ one in, and the next one, and then there goes the neighborhood."

"Yeah," Presea agreed. "Pretty soon, we'll have to let in _Sylvaranti_. And who wants them?"

"Yeah," Zelos muttered as he shivered at the thought. "Then we'd be talking about fishing, farming and reality TV shows all day. No thanks."

Presea scowled at her teammate. "Zelos, it kinda ruins my point when you just mention the good stuff."

Sheena glanced over her shoulder to look at the other side of the canyon. "I'm sure the Blues are using the information _right now_ to plot an attack against us."

* * *

At that moment, Emil flinched as he heard Lloyd let out an almighty retching noise. "That better have been in your bucket!"

"I'll get the mop," Genis sighed.

* * *

Zelos shook his head. "Well, you can forget it," he yelled. "You heard Sarge, there's _no way_ we're letting you in the Base dressed like _that_."

Presea nodded in agreement. "Seriously, the blue and red thing is so last year."

"Well…" Sheena quickly ran round behind the rock and reemerged two seconds later wearing her old maroon armor once more. "How about this?"

Zelos's jaw dropped. "What the- How did you change so fast?"

"I've always been a fast changer," Sheena replied. "I'm very shy."

"Is that why you wear a bikini in the shower too?" Presea asked.

Sheena nodded. "I also never use the bathroom at the Base, only at home."

Zelos grimaced in alarm. "Dude, we've been stationed here for like three years."

"Yeah," Sheena chortled. "It's gonna be a very eventful homecoming."

* * *

Back at Blue Base, having cleaned up Lloyd's puke, Emil and Genis made their way back outside where they had left Volt for a brief questioning.

"Volt, what in the hell happened to Lloyd in this little adventure you guys took?" Emil growled.

"How should I know?" Volt asked.

"He ate all my food and just threw it up," Genis replied with annoyance. "He coulda just thrown it on the floor and cut out the middle man."

"Yeah, plus now he's moody as hell," Emil agreed. "I went to ask him if he's feeling better and he practically bit my goddamn head off!"

"I bet he just would have thrown up your head later," Genis said. "And then you could just put it right back on, it'd be fine."

"He was fine on the trip," Volt recalled. "Maybe he's allergic to _you_. I know _I_ get nauseous when I look at ya."

"Did you guys come in contact with anything weird, like any strange plants or animals, or like super-flu viruses or... porn stars?"

"Oh yeah, there's _one_ thing I forgot to mention," Volt replied. "We invaded a secret biological warfare lab, run by porn stars. Irving licked all the Petri dishes even though we told him not to then he got thirsty, so he drank everything in the test tubes. You think that had anything to do with it?"

"I'm pretty sure that didn't actually happen," Genis said slowly. "I would have remembered that part."

"Aw, come on!" Volt cried out. "You're surprised he's sick? I've never seen the guy wash his hands, not once! One time I saw him pick his nose at the pay phone."

"I'm just worried man," Emil confessed. "Who knows if this stuff is contagious? For all we know, Sage could be next. Wake up tomorrow morning, _he's_ throwing up and running a huge fever and next thing you know, he's bleeding out of his eyes because his internal organs are liquefying. And _I'm_ gonna be the one that has to hold his hand while he screams himself to death. That's not gonna be any fun."

Genis gulped in horror. "I'm gonna go take a vitamin."

"Oh, don't bother. It's too late for you anyway. We need to start thinking about _me_."

"Tell you what," Volt put in. "Send me in and I'll run clean-up. Don't worry about it; I'll take care of everything."

"Volt, we are not letting you blow up the Base," Emil and Genis retorted, seeing where the bomb was going.

"Come on!" Volt urged. "Just a _little_ explosion, five, ten megatons tops. And all your scary germs will be gone. There'd be nothing left but the _cockroaches_, germ-free cockroaches!"

"But then Irving will be dead too." Genis reminded him.

"See? It's the perfect plan."

"No, but that does give me a good idea," Emil pondered aloud. "Technically, you can't get sick. So why don't we send you in there to take care of Lloyd? Then you can figure out what's wrong and report back to us."

"I ain't no nurse. I go in there, all you're gonna get is an explosion. If you want a medical diagnosis, go see a doctor."

Emil did a double take and stared at Volt. "What did you just say?"

"I said you don't need me. You need a doctor."

Terrifyingly enough, Emil and Genis were thinking the same thing, but Genis was really hoping they weren't. "Please don't do it."

* * *

_At an evil lair, somewhere nearby..._

Mithos Yggdrassil sat in a chair, though he currently wasn't in total control of his mind. The evil Centurion Omega AI, Tenebrae, was the one calling the shots from his body. His henchman, or more appropriately, hench-head, Aska, sat at a windowsill looking out on the horizon, when the phone started ringing...and ringing... and ringing...

"**For the love of evil, someone get the phone!**" Tenebrae bellowed.

"¿Por qué no lo llevarle tas usted?" (Why don't you get it?) Aska asked.

"**You fool! Can't you see I'm busy with an evil plot?**" Tenebrae shouted. "**What do I pay you for?**"

"Para limpiar después de sus diagramas fallados." (To clean up after all your failed plots. )

"**Oh shut up, you fool. ****You don't even have a body.**"

"Sí. Debido de sus diagramas fallados."(Yes, because of one of your failed plots_.)_

"Why all this bickering?" Mithos cried out from the reflection on the computer screen. "Can't we all just get along?"

"**And answer the damn phone!**"

"¿Por qué tenemos tantos mils máquinas apocalíptica, para no tenemos máquina del contestar la teléfono?" (Why do we have a million doomsday devices and no answering machine?)

**" I find you too sarcastic for just a head."**


	9. House Calls

Chapter 9

House Calls

At the Red Base, Kratos was in the flag room cleaning out his shotgun when he heard a commotion coming down the passageway. He looked up to see Zelos escorting Sheena, in maroon armor once more, into the room.

"Sarge, finally," Sheena exclaimed with joy. "I need to tell you what the Blues are planning."

Kratos ignored Sheena and glared at Zelos. "I thought I told you idiots not to let this traitorous scumbag in the Base!"

"Good to see you too, Sir," Sheena said crossly.

"We didn't let her in the Base," Zelos argued.

"SHE'S STANDING RIGHT THERE!" Kratos bellowed.

"Well, obviously she penetrated the defensive protocol that me and Private Combatir established."

"Defense protocol?" Sheena cried out. "You asked me what the password was!"

"And you knew it!" Zelos replied.

"_I guessed it_!" Sheena retorted. "By the way, the password was 'password'."

"It's so obvious, it's impossible to guess!" Zelos explained.

"Diabolical." Kratos hissed.

Sheena shook her head at Zelos. "A password should contain at least one number and one letter. For example, your password would be: 2dumb2live."

"Excellent burn." Kratos said.

"Thank you Sir."

"Traitor."

"Dammit!"

"Wilder's stupidity aside," Kratos continued, "I'm not speaking with you until we punish your insubordination and treason."

"How about I just trade you the information that I learned from the Blues and call it even?" Sheena reasoned.

"No!" Kratos snapped. "We have to have a trial, right here, right now."

"What?" Sheena cried. "We don't even have a judge."

"That's where you're wrong." Kratos argued. "In my civilian life, I worked as a judge for many years."

"What level?" Zelos asked curiously. "Municipal? Federal?"

"Livestock, and occasionally agriculture. Now let's find out if Sheena is guilty of treason or best in breed."

"I don't recognize the authority of this court." Sheena muttered.

"No-one cares what a convicted criminal thinks."

"But aren't I innocent until you prove me guilty?"

"Nonsense!" Kratos yelled. "Why would we waste time having trials for innocent people? That would be a waste of resources."

"But I'm not guilty until you hold trial and convict me."

"So you admit it's a foregone conclusion!"

"No- wait I mean no- yes-no, that was right I think," Sheena stumbled over her words confused.

"Okay, this is officially more boring than any of the other times I've been to court." Zelos sighed. "Permission to sigh and walk away, Sir?"

"Permission denied." Kratos replied. "If you leave, she won't have anybody to defend her!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second." Sheena cut in. "I prefer to defend myself."

"I knew you'd say that," Kratos said. "And as the old saying goes, a person who chooses to defend himself has a fool for a lawyer. And that fool is Wilder."

"Who's the prosecution?" Zelos asked.

"Why _I_ am of course." Kratos replied.

"You're the judge _and_ the prosecutor?" Sheena cried out. "That's a conflict of interest!"

"I object to that as speculative," Kratos stated. "And I also sustain my own objection."

"Uh, we'd like to enter a plea." Zelos then interjected.

"What?" Sheena asked.

"Look, it's only a matter of time before Presea finds out we're having this trial." Zelos explained.

"I'm listening," Kratos said.

"Well if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, you know Presea's gonna wanna be the bailiff and that means she's gonna wanna wear that really weird cop uniform with the short shorts."

"Ugh, Officer Hot-pants," Sheena muttered with a grimace.

"Exactly," Zelos agreed. "And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party."

* * *

_Flashback  
_

_As Kratos waited in the cafeteria, Zelos and Sheena made their way into the kitchen and discovered a rather large cake._

"_Oh my God, that cake is huge!" Sheena gasped. "It's big enough to fit a person in it."_

_Zelos took a cautious sniff. "Why does the cake smell like baby oil?" Then he had an awful thought. "Oh God, where's Combatir?!"_

_End flashback_

* * *

"Okay," Kratos sighed, shuddering at the memory. "We'll commute Sheena's sentence in favor of time served."

"With time off for good behavior," Zelos added.

"No-one wants a messy trial," Kratos agreed.

"I also think she should pay a hefty fine, which we can split."

"Agreed." Kratos and Zelos high-fived.

"But I didn't do anything," Sheena reminded them.

"You just keep your mouth shut," Zelos suggested. "And don't talk to the Press."

At that moment, Presea came in. "Hey, what's going on in here?"

"Nothing!" the others hastily replied.

* * *

Meanwhile, an old enemy was returning to Blood Gulch. Mithos/Tenebrae walked out of the tunnel, down the cliff and came to a stop in the middle of the canyon.

"**Muahahahahaaa, now be careful,**" Tenebrae warned his lackeys. "**Don't give away our position with maniacal laughing. We don't know what to expect from these fools. This could all be an elaborate trap! And we don't want to be caught off-guard.**"

"You _mean_ get caught in a trap before we have a chance to spring _our_ trap," Mithos said.

"**Precisely, you fool, now shut up,**" Tenebrae snapped. "**At least we have a lookout.**" He turned to look towards the large boulder where he'd left Aska earlier. "**Aska, what do you see up there?**"

"Nada mucho. Como siempre." (Nothing much, just like always_._) Aska called down. "Esta lugar aspira." (Man, this place sucks_._)

With a nod, Tenebrae made his way further into the canyon. "**I haven't been here in some time,**" he muttered. "**Which one is the Blue Base?**"

"It's the blue one," Mithos replied, pointing it out.

"**Oh yes,**" Tenebrae sighed as he looked. "**They're really thinking outside the box with the design.**"

He walked a bit closer to the base just until he reached the Blues' territory line. "**Hmm, it's quiet,**" he whispered. "**Too quiet…**"

Suddenly, a shot rang out and Tenebrae felt a sniper bullet whizz past his ear. "**Now suddenly it's too loud... I preferred it when it was quiet.**"

"Alright, hold it right there!" he heard someone call out.

"Yo a veo un hombre. Tiene un arma." (I see someone now. I think he has a gun.)

"**Yes I see that.** T**hank you for keeping us informed," **Tenebrae said before adding under his breath,** you moron.**"

He saw Emil and Genis standing atop the base, the former holding a sniper rifle.

"Yeah that was just a warning shot, Tenebrae," Emil yelled. "You make any funny moves, the next one's gonna go right in the middle of your forehead!"

"You think you can make that shot from here?" Genis asked quietly.

"Uh, probably not," Emil whispered. "I was actually trying to hit him that time. I swear to God I think somebody fucks with the sights on this thing when I'm not looking."

"**I knew it!**" Tenebrae cried out. "**This was just some elaborate scheme to lure us into an ambush!**"

"First of all, calling you on the phone and inviting you over, yeah I don't think that qualifies as an elaborate scheme." Emil shouted back. "And secondly, we're not ambushing you; we just wanna lay down some ground rules for your visit."

"**I'm not very big on rules, you know,**" Tenebrae replied.

"It's true," Mithos called out."We had this system back at the evil lair where we each clean on different days, but I always end up doing it!"

"**Oh shut up!**" Tenebrae snapped.

"And he always leaves the milk out!"

"**You fool, be quiet!**"

"And don't even get me started on the phone bill."

"Hey Yggy," Emil called out. "I see you're still swimming around in that head somewhere too."

"Well, it's not the ideal situation," Mithos admitted. "But any relationship requires work if you-"

"**You fool, this isn't a relationship,**" Tenebrae interrupted. "**I'm just using your body to fulfill my evil plans. When we're done, I'm going to throw your rotting carcass into a swamp and let the beasts feed on your entrails! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**"

"I love you too, buddy," Mithos sobbed.

"**Oh shut up!**"

"Well, don't get any bright ideas about jumping into anyone else today," Emil warned the Centurion AI. "We've all got our radios off, and we've all got our minds cleared. We're not thinking about anything. For some of us, that was easier than others." he added with a glance at his blue teammate.

Genis nodded. "I just finished thinking about something and didn't start thinking about anything else."

"So, here's how this is gonna work," Emil explained. "You're gonna come in, you're gonna take a look at Lloyd, you're gonna tell us what's wrong and then you're gonna leave."

"**Hmmm,**" Tenebrae pondered the offer. "**And what do we get?**"

"What do ya want?" Emil asked. "And I should warn you, Lu's not here. So if you have any cute ideas for her, don't bother."

"Well, a standard physical usually requires a $20 co-pay," Mithos thought aloud. "Hey, ask him what kind of health insurance they have."

"**You fool, let me negotiate,**" Tenebrae hissed then he shouted, "**We want something from you, but we're not going to tell you what it is, until we need it! Huahahahaha!**"

"No way," Emil yelled. "I'm not agreeing to something without knowing what it is!"

"**Oh-ho-ho-ho, yes you will,**" Tenebrae purred wickedly. "**You will or your little friend ****Irving**** will die, die a most **_**horrible**_** death. And you know his blood will be on your hands. Years from now, you'll drive yourself mad, wondering if there was anything you could have done to save him. So you **_**will**_** agree to what I want. You will agree even though what I want is something mysterious. What I want is something **_**frightening**_**. What I want is something **_**pure EVIL!**_ **MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! …I'm also being told that a $20 co-pay is pretty much standard.**"

"Alright, fine," Emil sighed.

"**Hahaha, you fool, and we want the twenty dollars upfront.**"

"Fine!"

"**And in cash!**"

"Oh, whatever!"

"**Ah, you moron!** **If you'd used a credit card, you could have gotten airline miles, or at least a thirty day grace period with no interest, you fiscally irresponsible fool!**"

Emil rolled his eyes then he turned to his teammate. "Sage, give me twenty dollars. No wait, give me thirty dollars."

* * *

Meanwhile, the Reds were on the move. A few minutes after Sheena gave her information, Kratos immediately issued the command to hightail it out of the Base and through Blood Gulch.

"Come on, double time, men!" Kratos bellowed as Presea jogged on ahead, Sheena ran alongside and Zelos a bit behind. "That goes double for you, Wilder!"

"Why are we always double timing anyway?" Zelos asked. "Can't we ever half-time or how about… _no_ time?"

"No, numbnuts," Kratos yelled. "According to Sheena, the Blues have already re-established contact with their Command."

"What?" Zelos yelled as he skidded to a halt. "_That's_ why we're running?"

"Of course," Kratos replied as he and Sheena also stopped. "By now, they could be receiving reinforcements or taking advantage of some new technological weapons development."

"Or maybe _their_ Command has been giving them the same generic orders ours always gives us, like 'Try to win' and 'Do better than you're currently doing'. I swear, sometimes I think they don't even know our names."

"That's just what I wanted you to hear," Kratos retorted. "The conversations _I_ had with Command always provided vital information."

"Like what?"

"Like the location of the Blue Base."

"Right there," Zelos pointed across the canyon.

"And the number of soldiers they have."

"Three."

"Also the location of the Base."

"Uh, you already said that one."

"I meant _our_ Base."

"Weren't we the ones that provided them the intel in the first place?" Sheena asked, scratching the top of her head in confusion.

"Initially, yes," Kratos agreed. "But Command processes our raw data and gives us back the key details. You may recall they sent us plans of the next phase of the war. They were stored in Aska before he was kidnapped."

"You mean before he ran away," Zelos corrected.

"No, I mean _shut up, __Wilder_!" Kratos snapped.

"But how do we even know he still has the plans?" Sheena asked. "Last time we saw him, all that was left was a head. Maybe he stored the files in his legs or his chest."

"You idiot, who stores memories in their chest?" Kratos yelled. "Don't you know anything about biology? The chest is strictly reserved for digestion."

"Maybe they'll send us more reinforcements like last time," Zelos said hopefully. "Presea's arrival was a real turning point in the offensive."

Kratos then noticed the lack of their pink teammate. "Where _is_ Presea?"

"There she is," Sheena cried out, pointing to where the pink private was standing by a large boulder. "It looks like she's talking to something."

Kratos took a look too. "It looks like a rock. Wilder!"

"What?" Zelos asked with no urgency.

"I need information on that rock, ASAP!" Kratos commanded. "Approach the target via flanking maneuver and establish defense at that ledge, Point Alpha!"

"Or," Zelos put in, "I could just look through the scope of the sniper rifle since that's worked the last _eight hundred times_."

"Yeah, alright, fine," Kratos muttered. "Take all the fun out of it. I like my way better, it was more dangerous for you."

As Kratos continued grumbling, Zelos took out the sniper rifle and peered through the scope to where Presea was standing. He saw that the pink private was talking to something that looked very much like a rock but as he zoomed in for a closer look, he saw that the rock was in fact a robotic looking head with a crack in it.

"I have great news," he beamed as he lowered the rifle. "It looks like you're gonna get your plans after all, and I'm not gonna have to do any more running. So everybody wins."

"What about me?" Sheena asked. "I didn't win anything."

"Oh, don't worry about it," Zelos replied dismissively. "I'm sure there'll be _somebody's_ ass you can kiss."

* * *

Meanwhile at the Blue Base, Emil had paid Mithos/Tenebrae the co-pay and was now giving the possessed medic a guided tour of the Base before taking him to see Lloyd, finishing off at the room where they had left Volt.

"Volt, this is Mithos Yggdrassil," Emil introduced the medic. "Yggy, this is Volt. Uh, Volt, Yggy is here to help Lloyd. And he's also our worst enemy, you know, besides the Reds… and Lu, on certain days."

"**Well, thank you for introducing me to your bowling ball,**" Tenebrae said curtly. "**Hello, bowling ball.**"

"Actually, I'm a bomb," Volt corrected.

Tenebrae's eyes went wide for a second. "**What the-** **It can talk?**"

"Why is that the_ first_ thing everybody says to me?"

"**A talking bomb, you say…**" Tenebrae rubbed his chin in thought. "**Hmmm, I could use a fellow like you in my organization.**"

"Yeah," Emil butted in. "I should probably point out that Volt here was specifically designed to blow up and kill you."

"**Oh...****I see,**" Tenebrae muttered. "**Well, this is certainly awkward.**"

"KABOOOMM!" Volt suddenly yelled out.

"**SON OF A BITCH****!**" Tenebrae yelped, ducking on the ground and covering his head with his arms.

Volt then burst out laughing. "I was just kidding, I didn't really explode. Hahahahaha."

"Hahahahaha, good one," Emil chuckled.

"**Yes, highly amusing.**" Tenebrae scowled as he got to his feet.

* * *

Back in the canyon, Kratos, Sheena and Zelos made their way to where Presea was and were amazed to discover what the pink private had found.

"Aska!" Kratos cried out. "Presea, where did you find him?"

"Right here," Presea replied.

"How were you two talking?" Sheena asked. "Aska, do you speak English now?"

"No." (No.) Aska replied.

"Well, if he doesn't, then why did he just say no in English?" Zelos pointed out. "Ha, busted."

"I took four years of high school Spanish," Presea replied to Sheena's question. "That's the best way to learn any language."

"What've you two been talking about?" Kratos asked.

"Oh, the usual Spanish faire," Presea replied. "I told him my name, I asked him what his name was, I asked if he knew where the bathroom was, how much a ticket for the train costs, and I asked him for the check."

"Haga por favor que la chica rosada para el hablando con mí." (Please make the pink one stop talking to me_.__)_ Aska groaned.

"Ask him where he's been." Kratos demanded. "No, ask him where he's going- wait, ask him if he has our secret plans and if he missed me."

Presea nodded and turned to the robot head. "Aska, que es el tiempo? Voy a ir a la playa con mi primo quiere jugar a tenis. Yo comido un lápiz. Adios!" (Aska, do you know what time it is? I am going to the beach with my cousin who likes to play tennis. I ate a pencil. Goodbye.)

"..." (...)

"Hmmm, it looks like he's not talking, Sarge."

"Alright, he wants to play tough, eh?" Kratos growled. "I built in override codes for just such an event." He turned to face the head of his creation. "Aska! Give me root access, priority Delta One!"

"Prioridad el permito. Por favor dicté el access code." (Priority Access requested. Please state the Access Code_._)

Kratos nodded. "The Access Code is… Access Code."

"Oh, you've gotta be fucking kidding me," Sheena groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose

"Ah, bitch about it later," Kratos dismissed her before turning back to Aska. "Aska, replay the intel message from Command."

"OK_._" (OK) Aska replied.

"See, OK," Zelos said. "Now I'm telling you, this guy's faking."

At once, Aska let out a click and then a new voice issued from the robot. "Hola, hola. ¿Eses tú escuchar mí? Hola. Hola hombres de Gulch Sangrosa, gracias por la información, muy provechosa." (Hello, hello. Can you hear me? Hello. Hey Blood Gulch dudes, thanks for the information; very helpful.)

"Oh come on!" Zelos yelled. "The _recording_ is in Spanish?! That doesn't even make any sense!"

"Después de analizar los datos que usted proporcionó, nosotros han calculado un plan a toda prueba para ganar la guerra." (After analyzing the data you provided, we have calculated a fool-proof plan for winning the war.)

"This guy sounds just like the guy Castagnier was talking to, Botta Junior," Sheena recalled. "I'll bet his kids changed sides."

"Eggs Benedict Arnold, those dirty traitors," Kratos scowled. "No offense, Sheena."

"None taken."

"Traitor."

"God dammit!"

"Wait, how did Botta have kids?" Presea cried out. "I thought he had a vasectomy."

Everyone else stared at her and even the recording paused for a moment.

"Well, that's just what I heard." Presea finished.

Botta's recording continued. "Aquí están sus órdenes: elimine a la enemigo. Okay hombres, Buena suerte." (Here are your orders: eliminate the enemy. Good luck.)

"We've got to figure out what he's saying," Kratos said. "Presea, can you translate or can't you?"

"Uh, I think he's saying something about losing his passport, I don't know." Presea replied with a shrug.

"También, hacer mejor que usted ya hado haciendo y ganar por favor." (Also, try to do better and please win.) the recording ended just after it's final words,"Okay, hombre, au revoir." (See ya.)

"Well," Sheena put in. "When I was in Blue Base, Castagnier mentioned they built a translation device out of an old bomb."

"No doubt to decipher their plans to destroy us!" Kratos cried out. "If we don't translate the tactical plans Aska is saying, we're all doomed! That information could save our very lives!"

"Why don't we sneak into Blue Base, grab the translation device, and use it on our message?" Sheena suggested.

"I agree," Kratos replied.

"Let me get this straight," Zelos muttered as he went over Sheena's plan. "We're going to steal a bomb from our enemies – a bomb that can be remotely detonated, I might add – and then we're gonna bring it back to _our_ Base and all huddle around it. What a great plan."

"Well, it does sound really stupid when you say it like _that_," Sheena muttered.

"Go on, let's move," Kratos commanded. "Somebody grab Aska's cabesa."

"Of course," Presea replied and quickly obeyed.

"That's not the cabesa, Presea," Kratos sighed. "And that's not Aska!"


	10. HE'S NOT PREGNANT!

Chapter 10

HE'S NOT PREGNANT!

At the Blue Base, Emil, Genis and Volt waited outside, listening to the sounds coming from in the Base.

"Oh God, I think it's coming back up." Lloyd groaned before letting out an almighty retching noise.

Mithos poked his head out of the main door, an electronic medical pad in one hand. Tenebrae had taken to appearing as a small hologram, hovering right beside Mithos' head. "Okay, everybody." he called out. "I'm gonna give Irving his physical now. Would either of you like to assist?"

"**That's just a fancy way of saying 'Hold the vomit bucket'."** Tenebrae snickered.

Emil backed further away from the door. "Uh, sorry, I'm busy."

"Sage?" Mithos asked.

"I can't." the silver-haired soldier replied.

"Well, why not?"

"Oh, because uh, I'm allergic to things that I don't want to do." Genis then turned away and started coughing.

"Okay, just more fun for me." Mithos chuckled.

* * *

Some distance away, from the cover of some boulders, Kratos watched through the sniper scope as Mithos ducked back into the Base. "Well, you won't believe this." he reported to his privates. "It looks like the Blues have teamed up with Tenebrae, those dirty backstabbers!"

"Our enemies teamed up with our enemy." Zelos muttered. "How is that a backstab?"

"Exactly! No-good two-timers." Kratos scowled. "Alright men, let's get in there and acquire that exploding translator thing so we can figure out what Aska is saying."

"No mas va estar decepcionado." (You're just going to be disappointed.) Aska warned.

"I agree, Aska." Kratos replied. "Time is of the essence."

"¿Por qué estás contestando si usted no sabe qué estoy diciendo?" (Why do you bother replying if you don't know what I'm saying?)

"Good one, amigo."

"Dios mío, por favor alguien mata me." (Oh God, someone please kill me.)

Kratos glanced round through the scope until he spotted Volt. "I see the bomb." he informed his team. "He's right next to Sage."

"Which one is Sage again? I get confused." Zelos cut in. "Is he the stupid _mean_ one, the stupid _annoying_ one, or the stupid _stupid_ one?"

"Stupid _stupid_." Sheena replied.

"Oh yeah, right." Zelos murmured. "What an idiot."

"Yeah totally." Sheena agreed pointedly.

"Sarge, I hate to point out the obvious," Presea chipped in, "but since we can see them with the sniper rifle, why don't we just shoot 'em?"

"Shame on you, Presea!" Kratos scolded. "A sniper rifle is a coward's weapon. When you kill your enemy, you wanna look in his eyes so he knows _you're the one who beat him to death_! It also gives you the chance to deliver some really zippy one-liners, like 'I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!'"

"Oh my God." Zelos groaned.

"Or my personal favorite, 'Blame your fate.' Heh heh heh, classic."

"Lo significo, deseo morir." (I mean it, I want to die. )Aska whined.

"Hand to hand combat is the old school way to kill your foes." Kratos continued. "It hearkens back to the honored traditions when combatants respected one another. Killing a man with your bare hands says we're all equals as men, except I'm slightly more equal because I'm still alive and you're dead. Of course, dropping a nuke on them from fifty thousand feet is _also_ totally acceptable. I mean let's face it, there's just not enough time in this busy world to show everybody the courtesy of a good strangling."

"See? That right there is why society is going downhill." Zelos cried out. "Everyone's in such a hurry these days-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get the point, wasting time." Sheena interrupted. "Okay, what's the plan?"

"You guys stay here." Kratos commanded, grabbing the remains of his robot. "I'm gonna head up there with Aska and get that device." As he set off, he chuckled again. "Get it, Aska? _Head_ up there… Score two for Kratos, _ding ding_."

"Dios mío."

* * *

Down at the Blue Base, Mithos came out the main door, still carrying the medical pad, and met up with Emil, Genis and Volt. "Hey guys, I figured out what's wrong."

"What is it, Yggy?" Emil asked concerned.

"You're not gonna like the diagnosis." Mithos warned.

"**Which is ironic, because I think it's absolutely delightful."** Tenebrae snickered in his holographic form.

"Just tell us." Emil replied. "We can take it."

Mithos drew in a breath. "Your friend is-"

"Dying? Oh no!" Genis cried out.

"No, he's not dying, he just has-"

"No chance to live, I knew it!"

Emil pulled his handgun and put it to Genis' head. "Sage, one more interruption outta you and he's gonna have two patients!" Genis quickly got the message.

"How do I say this?" Mithos muttered, rubbing the back of his head with his free hand. "Your friend is…"

"..."

"..."

"...Why are you pausing?" Emil asked. "Sage is not gonna interrupt you this time."

"No, that was just for dramatic effect." Mithos said. "He's pregnant."

"Oh good." Genis sighed in relief then he shook his head in bafflement. "Wait, what?"

"**Hehehehe, preggers."** Tenebrae laughed.

Emil was silent for a moment then spoke up. "Alright, are we paying for this service? Because if we are, I want a refund. And if we're not, I want a refund anyway."

"No it's true." Mithos assured. "We found two heartbeats, so unless he has two hearts, the only logical explanation is that he's pregnant… I think."

"_How is that a logical explanation?!_" Emil then turned on Genis and Volt. "Alright, one of the two of you has some explaining to do!"

"Hey, don't look at me." Volt retorted. "Irving's not my type."

"Me neither, dude." Genis added. "And uh, maybe we should um have Yggy explain, uh just how… babies are made, y'know uh in case someone in the group, uhh may not exactly know how that happens."

"Oh my God." Emil groaned. "Sage, shut up. Volt, blow up. Yggy, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Lloyd."

But Tenebrae appeared in front of Emil. "**Whoa, hold on.** **Y****ou said we had to tell you what was wrong. You didn't say we had to be right, **_**or**_** that we had to fix him, you fool! Hahahaaa, read the fine print, classic blunder!**"

"First of all, I _am_ right." Mithos said, "And we _are_ going to help him."

"**Wh**at?" Emil and Tenebrae said at the same time.

"Look, no one's ever seen anything like this before. I don't know anything about what caused this or how to help him, but with heart and true determination, we can get him through this!"

Emil just pinched the bridge of his nose before responding, "Yeah, we don't want heart and determination, Yggy. What we want is a degree, from an accredited medical institution."

"Yeah, or four years equivalent work experience." Volt added.

Mithos let out a sigh. "Come see for yourself."

"Fine." Emil muttered.

But Genis stood back. "Uh, I think I need to stay here and guard…" He glanced around for a bit before his eyes fell upon a large boulder. "This rock, from Irving, because I'm pretty sure that's how all this started."

"Alright, what's wrong?" Emil asked worryingly. "You seem nervous."

"What if Irving's contagious?" Genis yelled. "I'm not catching pregnancy!"

"Hey, no-one is pregnant." Emil yelled then he sighed. "And seriously, Sage, when I get done with this, we gotta have a little talk. There's a book I've got that we can read together."

Genis nodded earnestly. "I'd like that."

"**Maybe you can have the bowling ball fill you in on some of the basics."** Tenebrae added as they all walked away. "**Let me get you started: there are three holes, hahahahaaaaa!**"

"Oh gross!" Mithos grimaced.

"**I meant in the bowling ball.**"

As Emil followed Mithos/Tenebrae into the Base, Genis kept an eye on the boulder, unaware of Kratos and Aska sneaking up on them from the other direction.

"Hey Genis, level with me, pal." Volt called up. "I don't really look like a _bowling_ ball, do I?"

"No, Volt, you're not really _that_ fat." Genis replied, still looking at the boulder.

"Because I've been working out, you know." Volt continued. "Dumbbells, pushups, crunches-"

But then, Kratos swooped in and snatched the bomb away, leaving Aska in his place. "Yoink!"

"Volt?" Genis turned round and stared in amazement. "What the hell?"

"Rapido, antes de les que se vuelvan. Cave un agujero y entiérreme, por favor." (Quick, before they come back. Dig a hole and bury me, please.) Aska shouted.

Genis let out a gasp. "Volt, you turned into a real boy!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Kratos ran back to his team and placed Volt on the ground. "See boys? Now that's how you run a successful op; in and out like well-lubricated lightning."

"Where's Aska?" Sheena asked.

"I pulled the old switcharoo." Kratos explained with a chuckle. "Aska was the same size and shape as this feller, so I just swapped him out, just like Indiana Jones would've done." He knelt down and patted Volt very gently. "They'll never even know he was missing. Thank God he's a little lighter than the last time we saw him."

"_Finally_, somebody noticed." Volt yelled out gratefully. "Do you know how hard it is to maintain this figure?"

Zelos stared at Volt then at Kratos. "You swapped Aska… for the bomb. Permission to speak insultingly, Sir?"

"Permission denied." Kratos retorted. "You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first." He then rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Now let's translate. Where's Aska?" He glanced around before suddenly remembering. "Ah fuck, I'll be right back."

He ran out again, looking for something to switch Aska with then he spotted the old skull lying nearby so he picked it up and made his way back to Genis.

* * *

"Now you see, Volt." Genis was telling Aska. "Now we can go fishing and you don't have to be the bait anymore, and we can go hiking, and we can go camping and you don't have to be the fire anymore, and we can go riding together, and now we can hold hands, and we can fly kites, and we can play tag, and we can drink orange juice together."

"Hey, Sage!" Kratos called out from behind the boulder. "You hear something behind you!"

"I do?" Genis muttered as he looked round behind him. "I wonder what's causing it."

And while Genis was distracted, Kratos dived in, grabbed Aska and left the skull in his place. "Double yoink!"

"Volt?" Genis looked round and stared in horror. "Oh, _my GOD!_ Volt! You're dead!"

He fell to his knees and pulled the skull close to him. "How did this happen?" he sobbed. "You were so young! It's all my fault; I should have seen the warning signs! I didn't even know you were smoking! It worked so fast!"

He hugged the skull to his chest. "You had so much to do, so much exploding to do! Oh God, who will blow stuff up now!? I don't want to live in a world without explosions!"

He then lowered his head and burst into tears. "My God, why? Oh, Volt…"

* * *

As this was happening, in Blue Base, Emil stood over the bed where Lloyd was lying, his stomach slightly more bloated than before, and Mithos quickly went over his diagnosis once more.

"Ugh... I don't believe this." Emil sighed.

"It's true, your friend Irving is pregnant." Mithos then took out his medical scanner. "See, my little gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy."

"I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds." Emil recalled.

"Yeah, also that."

"And infectious diseases."

"Yeah, it lights up green for just about everything." Mithos agreed. "It takes a while to figure out the difference." He then held up the device and did a scan of Emil. "Like, this green indicates a high level of anger stemming from repressed feelings of inadequacy."

"If that thing keeps talking bad about me, I'm gonna fucking smash it." Emil scowled.

Mithos then lowered the device to scan Emil's crotch. "And this green means impotency." He looked again. "Oops, actually that green _causes_ impotency." he quickly put it away on his side holster. "My bad."

"Oh, that's okay." Emil muttered. "I wasn't using it anyway."

"See, these tools can be confusing sometimes." Mithos continued. "That's why doctors have to go to medical school for so long... not that I'm actually a doctor, mind you."

"And that has never been more apparent than with this diagnosis." Emil agreed.

"Urgh, what diagnosis?" Lloyd groaned, sitting up on the bed.

"Well dude," Mithos said. "You're pregnant."

"**Huahahaha, yes, with child."** Tenebrae chortled.

"It's not mine." Lloyd yelped. "I wasn't even in town that weekend."

"Lloyd, don't listen to him." Emil warned. "He's a lunatic man, he's got no idea what he's talkin' about."

Mithos sighed as he reached for the scanner again. "You want me to go over the green light thing again?"

Just then, Genis came running into the ward, clutching something to his chest. "Yggy, help! My second best friend is dead! Fix him."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Sage." Emil interrupted. "What happened, who's dead?"

"Volt." Genis sniffed. "Volt's dead, look." He held out his hands to show the bleached skull Kratos switched for Aska.

"Okay, that's disgusting." Emil grimaced.

"Dr. Yggy, please help him." Genis pleaded.

"Uh, I don't know what I can really do to help him." Mithos admitted. "My first aid procedures aren't very effective _after_ decomposition."

Emil took the skull out of Genis' hands and examined it. "Where did you get this?"

"First Irving dies and now Volt!" Genis sobbed.

"Irving isn't dead, he's pregnant." Mithos reassured.

"It's not mine!" Lloyd insisted. "We weren't even going steady!"

"Stop that." Emil snapped.

"Hey, look man, I've been saying that for a long time. It's gonna take a little while to get used to this."

"You're _not pregnant_."

Genis then spoke up. "I was just standing outside the Base and someone told me to turn around and when I did, Volt-"

"Whoa, wait." Emil cut in. "Who told you to turn around?"

"_I don't know!_" Genis wailed. "But they were very helpful."

"And let me guess, when you turned _back_ around, Volt was gone."

"Yes." Genis whimpered, grabbing the skull again. "He was… gone."

Emil sighed and grabbed his sniper rifle. "Everybody stay here, I'll be right back."

"Wait." Mithos called out. "What do you want me to do about the pregnant guy?"

"It's not mine!" Lloyd yelled.

"He is _not pregnant_." Emil shouted.

"And what about Volt?" Genis added.

"And that's not Volt!" Emil yelled, running out. "Look, just stay here."

But seconds after Emil left, Lloyd suddenly let out his loudest groan of pain yet. "ARRRRRGGH, would this be a bad time to mention that my stomach just started hurting really bad?"

"Oh man." Mithos gulped. "Sage, better go boil some water."

"How can you think of soup at a time like this?" Genis snapped.

* * *

Outside, behind the boulders, Kratos came back with Aska and requested the robot to replay his message from Command, allowing Volt to listen and translate.

"Here are your orders for winning the war: Eliminate the enemy. Okay, also, try to do better than you are currently doing. And please win, thank you."

The Reds were silent for a moment then Zelos spoke up. "That... was totally, totally lame, and not at all surprising which is also totally, totally lame."

"I don't know 'bout that, Zelos." Sheena argued thoughtfully. "I think there was actually some valuable tactical information in there, right Sarge?"

"Sheena, have you lost your last marble?" Kratos raised an eyebrow. "That was pure nonsense!"

"Oh, that's what I meant." Sheena corrected sheepishly.

"Eliminate the enemy, what the hell kinda plan is that?" Kratos cried. "I think Command has lost it."

"_Lost_ it?" Zelos spluttered. "When did they _have_ it?"

Presea meanwhile was looking out at the Blue Base. "Uh, speaking of the enemy, here comes one now!"

Zelos looked round to see Emil approaching. "Hey, let's eliminate him! Then we'll have one less thing in the to-do list!"

"Oh, I'm just so depressed." Kratos sighed, slumping down on one of the smaller rocks. "I can't even threaten your life for being a total jackass… Jackass, I'll kill ya."

"Nah, I don't think eliminating him is gonna be easy." Presea muttered. "It looks like he's bringing his tank with him."

Sheena went next to Presea to have a look. "What're you talking about, Presea? The tank isn't coming out here. Look, it's not even moving."

"Yes it is." Presea insisted as he pointed. "_Look_."

Zelos went over to Kratos and sat down next to him. "Hey Sarge, cheer up. I've known Command was stupid all along. It can be hard at first but you'll get used to it."

"Just leave me alone." Kratos sobbed.

"Presea, I _am_ looking." Sheena retorted. "If it was getting closer, it would be getting bigger."

"It _is_ getting bigger, compared to that tree!" Presea argued.

"What tree, there aren't any trees out here!"

"You wanna call me an idiot?" Zelos egged on, placing an arm round his leader's shoulders. "That always makes you feel better."

"Oh, shut up, moron." Kratos scowled, pushing Zelos's arm away.

"Heh, feels better, right?" Zelos chuckled.

"Yeah, I guess a little." Kratos admitted.

"Nope, not moving." Sheena decided.

"Yes it is!" Presea shouted. "See, look closer!"

Seconds later, there was a loud booming roar and suddenly one of the boulders behind them disintegrated in a huge explosion.

"Okay, you're right." Sheena gulped. "It's coming this way."

"HAUL ASS!" Presea screamed.

Kratos and Zelos leapt to their feet and gasped as they saw Luna drawing closer.

"OH SHIT!" Zelos yelped.

"RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!" Kratos bellowed.

And run they did! They tore across the canyon like cheetahs on a treadmill, yelping and cursing as Luna fired round after round at them, until they reached a large boulder on the side of the canyon and ran behind it.

"Regroup men!" Kratos yelled. "Wilder, start passing out additional ammo."

"Uhhhhh..."

Kratos then turned to his pet private. "Sheena, pass out the ammo you brought because you knew Wilder would forget."

"Already on it, Sir." Sheena said, handing ammo to everyone.

"Return fire! I'll call for reinforcements." Kratos then activated his earpiece radio. "Come in, Command, come in!"

"Hey dude, come in." Botta Jr.'s voice called out as Luna opened fire again. "Hey, what's going on? That's sounds like fun."

"Botta, we need help." Kratos yelled. "Sheena, get busy negotiating a surrender."

"Okay." Sheena nodded. "How 'bout we give them our base?"

"Oh, good idea!" Zelos agreed. "We could live in the _caves_!"

"We could let them kill Zelos!" Presea added.

"Sheena, you're supposed to negotiate _their_ surrender, not ours!" Kratos yelled. "Botta, are you still there?"

With great fear, Sheena, Zelos and Presea poked their heads over their boulder to see Emil and Luna waiting for them.

"Hey, Blues- Uh, I mean, Blue." Sheena yelled. "We're only gonna give you one chance to surrender!"

Emil looked baffled. "Surrender? Why would I-" But then Luna fired at the Reds again. "Hey, hold on a second, Luna." he hissed. "Why would I surrender?"

The Red privates whispered among each other before Sheena yelled out, "Uh, because you're outnumbered!"

"Bullshit, dude! I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!"

The Reds whispered some more then Sheena called out, "We also think that it's your turn to surrender!"

"WHAT?!"

"Well, if you recall, first _you_ surrendered and then you gave us Yggy, and then _we_ surrendered, and we gave you the jeep. Now that means-"

"Luna, shut her up." Emil ordered.

Luna fired again, hitting the wall behind Sheena and sending stone fragments flying.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Sheena yelped as she and Zelos ducked down.

"Is that a no?" Presea called out meekly.

"Okay look guys." Emil shouted. "I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, _and_ our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our Base right now. So I really, really, _really_, don't have time for this horseshit right now!"

The Reds stared at each other for a second then Zelos called out, "Wait, what was that part about the pregnant guy?"

"HE'S NOT PREGNANT!" Emil yelled. "That's impossible."

"Yeah, unless the alien impregnated him." Volt agreed. "That's what they do; they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. Uh, but you already know that, right?"

"What? NO!" Emil screamed. "Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!"

"Uhh, I mean uh, _alien baby?_ Uh, _that's shocking_." Volt quickly said. "I am shocked!"

Just then, Genis's voice called out on Emil's radio. "Come in, Castagnier, come in."

"Sage, what did I tell you man?" Emil yelled as he answered the radio. "You're not supposed to use the radio while Tenebrae's here! Oh, great, now I'm on the radio too."

"Yeah, that's kinda why I'm calling you, dude." Genis murmured nervously. "Um, the Reds already used their radio and uh, Tenebrae's gone."

"Oh my God." Emil put his hand to his forehead in pure anger and annoyance

"That's right, Blue! We've called in the cavalry!" Kratos called out. "As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!"

Suddenly from the radio, Emil could hear Lloyd let out loud painful groans and taking breaths in between then Mithos shouted, "Congratulations, it's a… alien, ugh."

"Honk, honk, blarg, blarg!"

Emil's jaw dropped. "What... the hell... was that?"

"Oh yeah, that's the other thing I called about." Genis murmured. "Um, Irving had his gross baby."

"It's not mine!"

"He is _not PREGNANT!_" Emil screamed before turning off his radio, his patience gone. "Luna, stay here. If anybody moves, shoot them."

As Emil ran back to his Base, Presea peeked out from behind the boulder. "A baby?" she called out, dashing out from cover. "Wait up, I wanna see!"

"Presea, get back here!" Kratos bellowed. "Wait for the ship!"

Presea stopped in the middle of the canyon and whirled round. "But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here." she called out. "It's coming all the way from Tethe'alla HQ. That could take days, or weeks, or months, or even years!"

Suddenly a huge airship dropped out of the sky and crashed in the middle of the canyon, right on top of Presea.

Sheena looked out as a cloud of dust flew up. "Ship's here."

"Shotgun!" Zelos added.

* * *

_**SO ENDS ANOTHER SEASON. WITH OUR FAVORITE PINK- I MEAN LIGHTISH-RED - PRIVATE HIT BY A SHIP. WELL DAMN. ANYWAY, THIS PART IS DONE, AND BEFORE PART 5 STARTS, THE BADASS MEAN GIRL OF THE GROUP GETS HER OWN SHORT STORY. BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR MARTA'S ADVENTURES. YES I KNOW THIS WAS SHORT, I JUST DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY... SO YEAH, HASTA LUEGO... cockbite  
**_


End file.
